Posts Tagged ‘break-ups

01
Jul
10

Back in the Saddle again…

Jessica and Lacey talk to their Soul Sister Nikki about being back in the game after a long term break-up. What to do and how to stay positive when handling the heart ache.

If you’re having trouble viewing this on facebook please click – http://www.afterellen.com/blog/trishbendix/video-lacey-jessica-lesbian-love-episode-34

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30
Apr
10

Falling in Love with your best friend

They dealt with the Straight Girl Crushes but what to do when you fall in love with your best gay/bi friend? Jessica and Lacey talk out the different ways to handle it and move forward. This also always to you straighties that fall in love with your besties too 🙂

If you can’t view this on facebook please log onto – http://www.afterellen.com/blog/karmankregloe/video-lacey-jessica-lesbian-love-episode-25

25
Dec
09

Break-ups are Tough.

Whether we want it to or not, sometimes relationships end. Lacey and Jessica discuss the best ways to handle the aftermath of a break-up and what works when we’re stuck with trying to move on.

17
Nov
09

The EX…

We all have one… That woman or man we can’t seem to shake, ugh. In this episode Jessica and Lacey investigate the EX. How to bring her/him up and nip’em in the bud for good. In order to have a successful relationship J & L believe it’s paramount to deal with the past traumas together, communication is the key.

Do you believe in life after love? 🙂

PS If you’re having trouble viewing this episode via facebook just click this http://www.vimeo.com/7641950

15
Feb
09

Get YOUR SH@$&! TogethA!

sexpot1

(Hotties don’t just happen… 🙂 )

Jessica and I went to a Fun Movie last night, “He’s just not that into you…”  It’s good for a laugh, not an Oscar  🙂

The movie focuses on the lives of 4 women – Jennifer Connelly, Scarlet Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, and Ginnifer Goodwin. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ruin the movie for you… Sooo you can keep reading 🙂

Basically the theme of the movie is LOVE and the journey of love for each individual woman.  It got me to thinking about relationships and the journeys of love we all go on in our lives.

There are SO many different steps in the LOVE journey, SO many variables that have to be right in order to make that “connection,” that SPARK.  That’s what we’re all looking for, right? The spark… That feeling inside you where you know you want to continue to spend time with someone.

What’s Love anyway?  What’s that SPARK all about? Is it Chemical?

Here’s what I know about love, relationships… Before you go searching for a soul mate you need to find your own soul, ya know what I mean? I think the NUMBER ONE most attractive feature in a person is when they know who they are and what they want. That’s SEXY!

It doesn’t matter how good-looking you are, or how much money you have in the bank.  If you have a strong sense of self I guarantee the only time you’re alone on a Friday night is if you want to be 🙂

I see and hear people, men and women alike, looking for someone to fill their void.  Fill their emptiness inside.  They are searching for someone to make everything ok.  I’m a victim of it as well.  It doesn’t just happen in the beginning of relationships… It happens all the way through them.  YOU feel bad and you want your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife to make it all better.  That is A LOT of responsibility for another human being aaaannddd it’s NOT a turn on in the long run.  You’re partner isn’t a blood relative and they’re not meant to be your Mom or Dad.  Depending on another human being for your happiness is the quickest recipe for disaster.  It happens all the time.

Why is the divorce rate and break-up rate sooo high?  Because relationships are hard work… and a strong sense of direction in knowing who you are is vital in maintaining a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship.  Because times will get tough and if you know what you want you will have solid ground to stand on…  YOU will be able to keep that flame, that love alive.  What extinguishes the flame; the SPARK is when you think the fire will go on forever.  When you stop putting in the work, adding the excitement.  We gotta keep evolving as people, we gotta keep learning, keep dreaming… Once you’re in a relationship it’s not time to sit back and relax… It’s time to create new adventures.  If  you want your relationship to be new and exciting, you gotta do new and exciting stuff, it’s as simple as that!

The SPARK dies because people get comfortable in their boring patterns.  Travel, go to parties, go to the opera, keep the love ALIVE.  Love is like a Fire if you want to keep it burning you gotta keep putting wood on it.  Keep it FRESH, baby!

Here’s my life experience in a nutshell 🙂  I wanted a HOT, sexy, career driven women that knew what she wanted.  I knew if I was going to be able to handle someone like that… I had to get my shit together.  If you want a HIGH END Man or Woman… YOU best figure out how to bring your A-GAME on a regular… ookkkkkk?!

I see this all the time… People land a HOT Date… But a date, is a date, is a date.  If you wanna keep that hottie you gotta be standing on solid ground with lots of balls in the air to offer.  If you don’t have lots of wood to put on that fire… This flame is going to go out, it’s inescapable. 

Lots of  love analogies today… BUT I want you to find it.  Jessica is the love of my life.  She is the woman of my dreams… And I truly believe we found each other because I was on the path of my own dreams.  I was searching for my own soul and so was she.  WE met in the middle and we believe in the same things.  WE believe in dreams, in never being satisfied with the status quo, we both believe in love… And we know that LOVE doesn’t just happen… It’s not a Hollywood Happy Ending.  

Love is something we can all have.  We must first find love for ourselves and once we find that special someone both must agree to keep the flame alive.

 

 

 

 

15
Sep
08

How I Handle Separation

Jessica’s Gone… Again

Here I am sitting alone on the weekend…  Wondering why I’m in love with an international model that’s always getting on planes and saying goodbye. Lately it seems like she’s saying goodbye more than hello….  aaannnddd then I start to giggle because I repeat the sentence “I’m in love with an international model,” Hahahahahaha! 🙂

Oohhhh Man, I wanted to write a workout blog tonight but I can’t seem to focus on anything other than the lovely Ms. Clark… Cliché, I know.

Sooo, here’s what I’m going to blog about- How to deal with separation from a loved one.  Bare with me now… I’m learning the art of mastering the skill as we speak, I’m by no means a professional, however if I stick with Ms Clark (which I plan on doing… Don’t get any funny ideas 🙂 ) I better get dam good at this. The woman is out of the country almost two weeks every month.

LACEY’S 8 TIPS TO RELATIONSHIP SEPARATION (when her gut reaction is to fall apart)

1.    HAVE YOUR OWN THING

For me my Job is the thing that saves me. I found something I really love doing, fitness –  www.laceystonefitness.com . This makes it easier when Jessica goes away because I don’t feel like my life is completely put on hold while she’s living hers.

Many of my past relationships failed because I put so much pressure on the other person.  When I look back on past relationships it’s clear that a lot of the time I lived vicariously through my girlfriend rather than having my own “Thing.” I find that having my own “Thing” gives me confidence and is my angel when Jessica’s away… AND I’m 100% certain if I didn’t have my own thing this relationship would not work long term.

2.    SCHEDULE, schedule, schedule!

When Jessica goes away I make sure my schedule is jam packed with activities that keep my mind going.  I make business meetings at night when I would normally be meeting up with Jessica.  I call friends that I’ve been MIA with and reconnect… I run errands, I call my mom a lot, and I pick up that book that’s starting to collect dust. Stay busy!

3.    SURPRISES

When I really start to miss her I figure out some sort of surprise.  Theatre tickets, rose petal messages, gifts waiting in her hotel room, silly stuff… Last Halloween I carved her a pumpkin that said, “I love you.” I enjoy creating moments that are meaningful… Memories.  In my opinion romantic ideas don’t have to be expensive but they do have to be creative. 

I tend to talk to my clients, friends, and people about romantic things that happened to them.  I think about what I would like someone to do for me and then I decide if that’s something Jessica would like.  Believe it or not she doesn’t like expensive gifts, she likes gifts that are meaningful.  Soooo, I listen to her all the time… Those are the best gifts, the gifts I come up with when she mentions something silly in passing; She loves sliced oranges, bubbles, pillows, doggies, the color purple… 

4.    KEEP IT TOGETHER

When Jessica leaves for 15days it SUCKS… I gotta be honest.  At the same time, she doesn’t want to be gone that long either.  It stinks for her too.  So I need to be strong for both of us.  If I’m not strong it makes it hard for her to do her job.  If I complain about her leaving all the time then she feels bad every time she gets a big job…  Feeling bad creates resentment and resentment creates something I don’t want to deal with.  Resentment leads to a lot of pain/frustrations/reasons for break-ups…  NOT a good place.  So I gotta keep it together… If her leaving hurts a lot I need to call mom, talk to friends, pay a therapist, but I don’t think it’s smart to put pressure on her because she already feels the pressure. She doesn’t want to be away, it’s killing her too. Of course, I can’t hide stuff… then I build resentment…  Communication is key.  If it starts to bother me to much that she’s away all the time I need to tell her. HOWEVER I think it’s important that I do try to work it out myself first.  I think it’s vital to keep it together not only for me, but also for us.

5.    LIVE NOW

I consciously train my brain to not run wild… I train it to stay out of catastrophe mode.  I find this to be the most difficult AND the most effective way to handle separation. 

What do I mean?? Here’s an example… I’m walking down the street and my mind starts to run away from me (YOU know that little voice in your head) “Jessica’s gone, this is impossible, how am I going to handle this… This week is going to stink… I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and now I’m going alone, I hate this… what am I going to do tonight, crap if only Jessica were here… AND on AND on AND on.” 

The BS that comes out of my head is endless and can be fairly destructive if I listen.  When Jessica goes away I try to be extremely aware of my thoughts and if a SUPER Negative thought won’t leave me I break it down so that I can find the positive twist on it.  Believe it or not there are two sides to every thought. Your outlook on your thoughts is based on how you choose to react to them.  The only real power we have as human beings is to decide how we’re going to handle situations, that is what differentiates us from other all species…  We have the choice to love, to hate, to laugh (no other species can laugh), to cry.

I’m getting a bit off track, Sorry.  It’s just that I find #5 to be huge and never underestimated.  I get asked a lot why I’m so positive… Honestly, I’ve been very negative in my life and it’s not a fun way to live.  Every Single Day I make a conscious choice to be the best version of myself, to be as positive in life as possible… I believe if everyone could find a way to be positive the world would be such a better place.  It’s easy to be negative about things… But being strong enough to find the positive in everything makes you a real survivor.   If you can find a way to smile through the pain you can handle anything. Live now!

6. ICHAT, PHONE, TEXT

Jessica and I have ICHAT DATES several times over the course of her many travels.  We get to see each other and chat as if she’s just in the other room 🙂  We are known to leave Ichat on for hours.

PHONE – I call her and leave her silly messages just to hear her voicemail.  GOD we are kind of ridiculous, eh? 🙂

TEXT – Annnddd the text message, I love to text her throughout the day telling her what I’m up to. I’m a bit of a texting BANDIT!  Often times we are in different time zones so if I say… “On my way to Equinox to BRING IT in TheBigGAME!!!,” she can know exactly what street I’m on and feel exactly what I’m feeling… It’s nice.

7.    FOCUS ON WHAT YOU HAVE

Trust me, it could always be worse.  I try to focus on what I have.  When I start to focus on what I don’t have it ALWAYS makes me angry guaranteed. 

EXAMPLES – When I get sad that Jessica’s away…

1. I could focus on how terrible I feel or I could focus on the fact that I have someone to miss. 

2. I could be upset that her job takes her away from me sooo much or I could focus on the fact that when she’s in New York her job gives her the freedom to see me whenever she wants.

This tactic is not dissimilar to #5, but sometimes it helps to make a list to make you feel better…Write out your thoughts and fight the fear and anger on paper. YOU can apply these tips to Work, Fitness, Family, whatever.  I find in Fitness often times people get caught up in what they don’t have instead of focusing on what they do have… if they don’t feel good immediately than something must be wrong? WRONG! Strength, growth, wisdom, weight-loss, love… They all take time, it takes courage to build a solid foundation in the prominent areas of your life.  I find that when I focus on the journey rather than the destination I am much Happier and more centered.

8.   GET ON A PLANE

Worst-case scenario… I can’t take it anymore! I fork over the doe, hop on a plane and say, “Heeyyyy Jessica, I’m comin to get YOU!”

How do you handle being separated from a loved one… It hurts right?! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

07
Sep
08

What’s LOVE got to do with it?

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon in New York. I’m sitting in a café putting together this week’s class music and writing SweatCITY! Monday… As I’m looking for the cool-down songs and thinking about the blog I’ve come across Tina Turner’s hit, What’s Love got to do with it?- “What’s love… but a second hand emotion? What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?”

The lyrics of the song got me thinking about what happened to me last night… Jessica and I watched the movie Out of Africa, it’s a ccraazzyy romance about love, loss and strength. The first time I watched the movie was after a dramatic real life break-up some seven years ago. At that time the movie made me feel better about my situation, it gave me peace.

Last night post love story drama-fest I found myself crying hysterically in Jessica’s arms. I guess watching it again after so many years opened up some wounds…  It reminded me of how much pain I once felt, how much darkness I’d gone through, how much I’ve grown, and how that pain and darkness are still looming in the wings.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about why I cried so hard last night, what it all means?  Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to – I don’t know what I think, I don’t know what it means…  You know that awful saying, “What does not kill us makes us stronger?”

That break-up did not kill me… I’m still very much alive, my heart was never physically broken because it’s always kept beating. I’ve done everything in my power to erase the pain in my heart, but no matter how much I do in my career, no matter how much Jessica loves me, no matter how hard I RUN-AWAY from it… It’s still there, it still hurts. AHHHHHH!!!!!  

Does it ever go away? I don’t know…  What does that mean?  I don’t think it means anything other than I got hurt.   

As in Fitness, as in life, as in love… We can’t control or change what’s happened to us in the past.  All we have control over is how we choose to react to it today.  Life is a continuous journey of love, loss, and strength.  Lovers beware:  If you want to play the game of love it’s impossible to avoid getting hurt. Did you hear me, do you agree with me?  Loss and pain are important parts of the journey. I feel like lots of people, ESPECIALLY the media, try to tell us it’s supposed to be easy…. That love shouldn’t hurt and if it starts to hurt then there’s something wrong with the relationship, that we should break-up.

But I don’t believe them… I refuse to believe them.  Being in a relationship involves so many variables, it involves her, it involves me, it involves pain, joy, patience, passion, persistence, faith, tears, laughter… It’s a roller coaster; if it’s real it can be a bright beautiful sunshine or it can be a grey ugly thunder storm.

“Happily every after,” is wonderful in theory.   It’s a lovely package they sell in Hollywood, it’s a quick fix diet, but it’s not the real deal.  What’s real is right now, every second of every day of every week of every month of every year… That is life that’s what makes up a relationship.

So to answer Tina Turner’s question, What’s Love got to do with it?  Love has everything to do with it… Fight for that LOVE in your heart,  if you get hurt find a way to keep your love alive.  The pain will slowly go away or transform into something else but never lose the love because when you lose the love in your heart you lose yourself.  When you lose yourself you become a sad and angry person.  That’s not you, that’s not who you were born to be.

I’ve found for myself that when I lose me, no million dollars, no size 2 jeans, no super model girlfriend can ever get me back.  Yes it’s hard when it feels like your heart is broken into a thousands pieces but once you start finding the love again, once you start putting the pieces back together… You’ll find yourself again and realize that you can love again.  Once you’ve loved and lost you will come to know that you can overcome anything.  You will come to know that loving is living.

Sooo… What’s Love got to do with it? 🙂

 

 

 




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