25
Dec
09

Break-ups are Tough.

Whether we want it to or not, sometimes relationships end. Lacey and Jessica discuss the best ways to handle the aftermath of a break-up and what works when we’re stuck with trying to move on.

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9 Responses to “Break-ups are Tough.”


  1. 1 Kimberly
    December 26, 2009 at 4:41 am

    Loved both of your perspectives! Like you said Jessica, the gay community is very small more like 3 degrees of separation instead of 6. I know here in San Diego we partake in lots of gay leagues, I’ve played on lesbian soccer, softball and basketball teams (I know stereotypical) and it amazes me how couples who play on the same team break up then move on to other players on the same team. I think it’s so disrespectful to the ex, the new girlfriend and the team! I agree with you both, clean break and give it some time. I went to a party with a friend,we walked in and surveyed the room. She looks at me and says we need to go. I asked why and she said because she see’s 5 ex girlfriends and some “hook ups”. We left the party after a few minutes and I remember thinking, thank god I’ve never put myself in that position and boy does my friend get around!

  2. 2 from Estonia
    December 26, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    I totally agree. You have to take the time to understand what went wrong and how to cope with it. Especially when your lives were connected in many ways (living and working together, hanging out with family and friends). The thing that knocked me out was the realization that she won’t be there like that in the future … I took as much time as I needed to get over her, find peace with myself and got my life back on track. Now I’m in a happy, loving relationship and thankful that I took that time (almost 14 months!!), not rushed in a new relationship with someone I wasn’t ready for 😀 Uuuh and I totally get along with my ex now, so smiles all around.

  3. 3 dens13
    December 27, 2009 at 2:14 am

    Happy Holidays, ladies! Thank you for the grrrreat vlog! As always, you gave such meaningful and imperative advice….Its sooo much easier said than done though, i’m sure we all can agree!

    Some of the most important things for me have been:
    1) Remove alllll reminders of the girl from your apt/house….ie pictures of you together, gifts, the tshirt that still smells like her,etc. GET IT AWAY…it will only remind you of stuff you shouldn’t be thinking of!

    2) Take an emotional inventory and see where you’re at…and then find the appropriate supports. Could be a friend (or 3), a supportive family member, a journal to pour your heart into, or even a therapist. There’s NO shame in it…It is so cathartic & helps you find lots of clarity. i AM a therapist, and I went to see my own; it helps!!

    3) DO NOT go and do something outrageous- ie dye your hair some crazy color, get a meaningless tattoo, etc…. I think sometimes people try and break out of character to either get attention from the ex, or to create a new sense of identity that does not include the breakup or the ex. Most likely, these things are HIGHLY regretted once we have come down off our rockers….

    4) Make a KICK ASS playlist of songs and put that raw emotion to good use in the gym…or on the court…or field…or pool. Working out helps counteract depression and there’s nothing like a breakup to get you motivated to wanna jump back on that fitness train!

    5) Like you two both said- have a GREAT EFFING LIFE…. discover who you are, find your passion, your voice, and learn to be comfortable in your solitude. One of the absolute most important and meaningful things I have learned in the past 4 months (since my own breakup) has been that I can be alone, and not feel lonely. Its amazing.

    Bottom line: breakups BLOW. but they’re inevitably gonna happen. just gotta find the silver lining in the cloud and focus on it! (at least that’s what i keep telling myself every day!!)

    Happy Holidays from Boston!
    Michelle
    🙂

  4. 4 Sam
    December 28, 2009 at 7:51 am

    “i called them on the weekends…” that was hillarious 😀

  5. 5 Megan
    December 30, 2009 at 6:01 am

    This episode was great! Your advice is really right-on and I love all of your episodes. You mentioned that show ideas come from past commenters, and I was thinking that it might be cool if you girls did a show on lesbian stereotypes and roles, for example femme and butch. I think it would be interesting for you two to comment on this because although you are both different, you don’t seem to play into the whole “femme/butch” dynamic that a lot of us lesbians feel pressured to fit into. It’s a difficult question because sometimes I feel like my relationship needs this dynamic to function later on in life but I’d almost prefer to just split tasks equally and not really worry about who’s femme or who’s butch enough to take out the trash. I know, silly, but it’s a big deal for us! =)

    Thanks, and I’ve watched all your episodes-they’re all amazing. You two are a fantastic role model couple and fantastic, smart, intelligent, and super sexy role models as individuals. Thanks for all that you do!!!
    -Megan

  6. 6 jessica clark
    January 3, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    HAPPY NEW YEAR Everybody!! I hope your festive season was lovely and peaceful and fun. And if it wasn’t then I’m sorry but it’s a whole new year so let’s shake it off and make 2010 count! 🙂

    Thank you for all your comments and smart insights as always. Michelle, love your pointers! You hit some great, practical tactics and I couldn’t agree more.

    As for your suggestion about butch femme dynamics Megan, it’s a great idea! We actually will be touching on this a little in a few weeks in a vlog entitled ‘Sexual Identity’, but I think it’s a topic big enough for its own vlog. You are absolutely right that we take suggestions and ideas! We want to be a relevant and useful as possible and who better to let us know how than our lovely viewer! 🙂 You’re also correct in your observation that Lacey and I do not conform to the stereotypical relationship roles that our appearances may suggest. And it works very very well for us actually! I have felt the pressure to conform in previous relationships and it was disastrous for the relationship long term. So I say as uncomfortable as it may be, it’s never too soon or too late to start expressing your need to have equal division of tasks and chores. This is the 21st Century and I don’t know about you but to me one of the awesome things about being gay is that I get to break out of the mould of societies expectations of me as a woman. So I refuse to be controlled by a whole other set of rigid rules either!! Speak up. What you are asking for is fair, reasonable and mature. If your honey really cares about your happiness then she’ll start to listen. But you have to let her know and explain it as you would here in this forum.

    And when I used to date men they had to share chores with me too!! So butch/femme stereotypes can suck it!

    Thank you all as always for your support, encouragement and compliments. It truly means so much to both myself and Lacey and we are lucky to ‘know’ you all!!

    Happy 2010!!

    Jessica

  7. 7 from Estonia, too, but not the same person
    January 4, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Hi Jessica and Lacey,

    Funny that your blog is so popular in this tiny little country on the other side of the world 😉

    Just wanted to thank you for your vlogs, they’ve all been great! I found out about these a couple of months ago, and I’ve been following you ever since. I think it’s really important for LGBT community to have positive and beautiful role models like you, and Ellen&Portia, for example.

    As for breaking up – “it’s hard to do”, especially when you must do it because of force majeure and impossibility of being together in the long term, because the future is really insecure and unknown. That’s what happens when you find your love in the “wrong” country. If it would have been a man-woman relationship, moving to another place would have been possible after marrying the person but as a gay I cannot do it. So there’s still a long way to go to equality.

    Thanks once again, and have a wonderful new year!

  8. 8 abbagirl
    January 17, 2010 at 4:10 am

    i just came across this vlog, and it was really fortuitous for me. i am still reeling from a break-up because the ex still wanted to shlup even after breaking up, and i let her get away with it for a whole year, all while we were operating under the label “good friends.” she’s now seeing a guy, and there has been all sorts of drama entailed in that. and i am just struggling to try and remain her friend. i’m thinking i can’t and shouldn’t. but i just want to do the right thing and be able to live with the consequences. . . . thanks so much for your vlog and for sharing both of your perspectives. i really needed to hear a lot of the things that were said here!

  9. 9 BriMo
    March 4, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    I just happened to going through all the old vlogs when I stumbled on this one and thank god I did. Im going through a pretty effin shitty break up and it totally said everything i needed to hear. I didn’t realize it but ive been making myself readily available to her like a love sick puppy dog and shes just been using it totally to her advantage, completely at my exspense. Its not something I havent noticed its just more of something that i didnt want to admit. I’m sure some part of her hurts over this too but I can’t control her feelings or how she handles it I can only manage myself. And after seeing this I realize that I need to focus on me and seperate myself. Im flawed yes but I am awesome and I’m sure somebody will agree. Like you said the scene is small and me living in Kentucky saying the scene is small is an understatement. But thats no excuse for me to settle. I haven’t had much experience with break ups seeing I am only 20 but the advice you two gave is definatly a good enough start for me. lol im getting all teary eyed typing this( im blaming it on the fact that im 20 and that super emotional post pubescent age lol). But n all honesty I think its because its something that I just REALLY needed to hear. So thank you. Thank you sooooo much 🙂


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