“Coming Out”

Jessica & Lacey share their “Coming Out” Stories. What it feels like, how to do it, and how to coupe with the after math.  This is one Lesbian Love episode you don’t want to miss.


17 Responses to ““Coming Out””

  1. 1 Marie
    December 10, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    Thank you so much for this episode! I’m not out yet and I had been wanting to ask you guys to talk about the coming out process. So you can’t imagine how happy I was to see that you had posted this today =D
    I totally agree with that you have to come out to yourself. When I said the words out loud (to myself) I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I felt relieved somehow.

    and I think you’re right when you say that moms always know, because my mom asked me twice ‘Are you gay?’. First time when I was 17 and second time when I was 20 or 21 (I’m 22 y/o).
    I still haven’t had the courage to say ‘Yes I am’ or ‘I’m gay’. It’s not that easy when you live in Denmark and your mom lives in Greenland. When I do come out, I wanna tell her face to face, so I’m gonna have to wait till I go home for Christmas or summer. Until then, I’m gonna have to suck up all courage that I have and come out to my best friend =)

  2. 2 dens13
    December 10, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    That was surely some heavy subject matter. And it most definitely struck a chord with me, and my coming out story, as I’m sure it did with most of the folks who watched. Coming out to myself, and then the rest of my friends/family after dating a guy for 8 years was surely a shock to everyone…myself included. Friendships were lost for reasons similar to what you experienced- ppl thought I was lying and hiding from them- some even accused me of living a secret 2nd life. It was hurtful and confusing, but in the end I listened to my heart and it kept telling me to go forward with coming out, because this is who I truly am.

    Two things that came to mind as I watched this-
    First, I think coming out to close family members- parents and siblings- can be so tough…I think it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Ive never seen my mother look so disappointed in me, and so hurt. But I realized something very important- our parents and siblings have their OWN “coming out” to go through, after they have discovered that their daughter/son/brother/sister is gay. They sort through their own emotions and figure out how THEY can incorporate it into their lives…They must think about How/When they will tell people they know, and what reactions they may get from people in their own lives… How will they respond to any negative reactions they get?
    I think this is something important to keep in mind because we need to give our families/friends time to become fully comfortable with the huge piece of info we’ve related to them…We’ve had a while to sit with it and get comfortable, and they need that same adjustment period.

    2nd- Lacey, your plea to everyone to come out- for themselves and for gays all over- reminded me of a scene in the movie “Milk”. Harvey Milk says that if we all do it- if we all come out- then people will realize that they DO know a gay person, and it will change people’s perspectives. They’ll see that we’re their lawyers, their babysitters, their nurses/doctors, their neighbors, their personal trainers, their relatives, etc. What an uplifting and powerful thought.

    I have rambled on WAYYYY too long (per usual). THANK YOU both a million times over. Seriously.

    Boston loves you!


  3. 3 steph
    December 10, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    That was a really good vid. It was obviously one of the most talk subjects but it is so important. Thanks for sharing this.

    From Canada.

  4. 4 Nancy
    December 12, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Arrived at your site through AfterEllen.com. You two are a great addition to a site where I like to read about gay related movies, music, short flicks, news, commentary…but have never signed up. But I have to say this post was great. Coming out seem to be an on going part of the journey, for me. I just don’t want people to see or think of me as that gay person like that is all I am. You and Jessica say a lot of inspiring things, which I try to remember.
    Thanks for sharing and spreading the light.

  5. 5 Kimberly
    December 12, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Coming out stories never get old, I could watch/listen to them until the cows come home. I was three years into a relationship when I finally came out. I told my mom first, full of tears and not wanting to live that double life. I’ll never forget her response, she told me the there was a medical cure for it and I need to go see a doctor. I told her she was just in denial then she told me I would have to choose between the lifestyle and her. Well I chose and I didn’t speak to my mom for 3 months when she called and said, “this really sucks, I miss you”. She has been accepting of it since then. I was scared to tell my dad (big burley lumberjack man’s man) but he took it better than my mom and just gave me a big hug. Said it wasn’t the life he would of choosen for me but if I’m happy, he’s happy. When I told my brother he responded with, “so I was watching this porno with two women,is that what you do”? I had laugh at him then I asked him which porno? (just kidding I really didn’t ask). My mom said that she had always known, after all I had all women posters hanging in my bedroom to cover the pink walls and pink furniture. She said it was just hard for her to hear it. Although I would never out anyone, I agree with you both that everyone should come out of the closet no matter how painful it is. We need the world to know how collective of a group we really are. They say one out of every ten people is gay, it would probably be more if everyone came out.

    Happy Holiday to you both, stay dry, stay warm but most of all, stay happy!

  6. 6 Sarah
    December 12, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Hearing both of your stories is so great. It’s so interesting to hear that Lacey had a hard time coming out since you seem so confident in who you are, but I think that speaks to what you said about how when you come out to yourself you can be who you really are. I also think that because both of you have discovered your passions in other parts of your life with fitness and modeling, it illustrates that once you come out or at least acknowledge who you are, you are better able to devote yourself to those other things that are also part of your life.

    I know for me it was something that I didn’t realize for a long time either. My parents were very okay with it, so in retrospect I think it was just a complicated process for me to realize it and less complicated when it came to sharing it with others. The more coming out stories that people share, it definitely helps others who are not out, but also for those of us who are out, it paints a better picture of how each of us may be “gay” but that we are still very different from one another! Thank you again for sharing and to second what Michelle said, Boston does love you!

  7. 7 Anonymous
    December 13, 2009 at 5:14 am

    You two are great. Thanks for honestly sharing and encouraging people around the world.
    Keep it up! 🙂

  8. 8 Lunakiss
    December 14, 2009 at 1:54 am

    Hey I simply want to say thank you for your coming out stories. It was great.
    I would like to see you ladies tackle the issue of meeting other womyn who are Gay. ie places to go. A lot of young womyn on Afterellen don’t know where to look or how to approach womyn. Please include people who live in small towns, I think they are having it the hardest.

  9. December 15, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU to you both for doing this blog and in particular this one about “Coming Out”. The very first person I ever told was my friend 4 years ago (we are not friends anymore) and then after her I told a few of my guys friends. It seemed to be though that the people I told then suddenly were no longer a part of my life. So I kept quiet about it for a couple more years. At the start of this year things kind of unravelled and I came out to my two best friends. They both were fine with it and said that they knew and were just waiting for me to be comfortable enough to tell them. (We are still friends and I did not lose these two friends from my life Phew)I told a few more then a few more. Most of my friends and people I work with know. With every person I told I became more confident, but still the thought of telling my parents freaked the hell out of me. I had been wanting to do it for so long and just get it over with when on the morning of Wed 9th Dec 2010 I watched the latest Lesbian Love blog. I watched it in the morning, thought about it all day at work and then some more in the car and then finally when I got home I told them. There were tears (from me), but overall my parents were okay with it. So thanks again for your blogs.

  10. 10 jessica clark
    December 15, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    Thank you all so much for your amazing responses to this vlog. The ‘Coming Out’ decision is one of those universal processes for those of us who are LGBT and as different as the experiences can be, it feels like there is always a thread that binds us all together.

    Brooke, wow… CONGRATULATIONS!! And thank you for allowing us to share just a little of your moment. There were a few tears from me when I read your comment.

    Marie… as somebody who lives on a different continent to her mother as well, I totally get wanting to do it face-to-face and I am sure that your mum will appreciate the level of respect that you show by doing that, however the news may feel to her at first. Your best friend is a wonderful person to start with. I always think that for every young person, but especially those of us who are LGBT or otherwise not necessarily considered ‘mainstream’, our friends are often the family that we choose and build for ourselves. Their support, especially living so far from home is one of the greatest gifts in the world.

    Michelle, I want to highlight a really amazing point that you made

    “But I realized something very important- our parents and siblings have their OWN “coming out” to go through, after they have discovered that their daughter/son/brother/sister is gay. They sort through their own emotions and figure out how THEY can incorporate it into their lives…They must think about How/When they will tell people they know, and what reactions they may get from people in their own lives… How will they respond to any negative reactions they get?
    I think this is something important to keep in mind because we need to give our families/friends time to become fully comfortable with the huge piece of info we’ve related to them…We’ve had a while to sit with it and get comfortable, and they need that same adjustment period.”

    I have never really thought about that part of it before I read your comment and I think it is SUCH an important point. We have all spent so much time processing our realization, it is not any great surprise that our parents and friends may need some time to process their feelings and own ‘coming out’. So even if the response is not immediately what we would have chosen it does NOT mean that our parents/friends do not love us, but perhaps that they need some time to absorb such a major piece of information. We of all people know how scary it can feel and the idea that it’s scary for them too is worth remembering so “thank you”.

    And to Sarah and LunaKiss and Kimberly,Nancy and Steph, and Anonymous; THANK YOU ALL for watching and sharing your thoughts and responses on this subject with us. For me, even though this is a very discussed topic, there is always a new generation of gay people of whatever age, coming to terms with their sexuality and the more voice and tangible presence we can give them, as any kind of reassurance that they are not alone is a tremendous gift that keeps giving and giving.

    Lacey and I wish you all the happiest and healthiest holidays and a wonderful start to the New Year 2010!! 🙂

  11. 11 Taylor
    December 16, 2009 at 4:42 am

    Hey, I just wanted to say THANK YOU!
    I actually saw this video on afterEllen, and I thought that I should leave you this comment. I watched this and was totally moved. At the time I wasn’t out to my mom, so I decided that when I came home from school for the break I would tell her. So, we were driving to get lunch one day and I just flat out told her that I was interested in women. I knew that she wouldn’t be upset, because she is a very open minded person. Yet, I didn’t expect her to laugh and say “I know”. haha So again I just wanted to say thank you. Y’all gave me the push I needed to come out and I couldn’t be more happier. 🙂

  12. December 16, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Thank you & Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to you both as well:-)
    from Me in Sunny Sydney Australia

  13. 13 gokeeffe87
    December 16, 2009 at 10:10 am

    thanks for your coming-out-vlog, it was very emotional and especially for lacey not a easy going.

    but, how you both said, it is so important that there are people like you with very public professions coming out of the closet. with every celebrity or private idol (this could be the unkle or the neighbour around the corner as well) it makes our lives – step by step – much easier, more naturally and less complicated. the experience with my own coming-out is, that the more you are proud of yourself and the more you love yourself as easier is it with the “world outside”. a lot of resistance and barriers are there, but a lot of problems and fears are only in our heads too.

    i’ve fighted 4 years with myself to tell my parents. and in the restrospektive most of my fears was really only MY fears. and it is how michelle said, give your parents the time that you take for yourself to realize, tolerate, accept and handle it in there own lifes… i think my parents need nearly 3 years to tell other people or relatives. i think we must accept that is there own decision when and witch persons they told. my parents are very traditional and it’s not easy for them that i never get childrens and never live the same traditional family-thing. i love them for the way they accept, because i know it is not easy for them.

    and a happy end at the end… i’ve met the woman of my dreams 8 and a half years ago, she was my first girlfriend, we’ve got not the easiest way, but we are still in the same corner of the boxing ring 😉 … i love her for life and i think we getting stronger every day!!

    @lacey and jessica: it’s such a GOOD THING how open you live with your relationship, especially for young women.

    p.s.: sorry for my bad english!

    very warm greetings
    for the holidays
    from germany

  14. December 22, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Wow. I’m so glad I found your blog today! “Scary but wonderful” describes my coming out process perfectly. I absolutely agree with you 100% that the more visible we are, the more we (and the world) will thrive.

    To Lacey — when you said the name of your town, did you mean WI? (If so, I’m from that area, so I totally understand the climate you’re describing.) So much of your story resonated with my own emotional experience during the coming out process. Thank you for your courage and your light.

    On a whim, I wrote about my own coming out story recently on my blog. I was floored when the post earned me the national recognition of BlogHer of the Week. The responses I’ve received from people around the world have validated my openness and inspired me to be more open than ever before.

    Best wishes to you both and I look forward to watching more of your videos. 🙂

  15. 15 Marie
    February 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I came out yesterday =D
    I told my best friend that I’m gay last night. She told me she already knew =D I told her that I watched The L Word and told her that I wanted to tell her something as my new years resolution this year. She’d guessed and I was kinda relieved to hear that =D
    I can’t stop smiling today, and it has given me more courage to tell my other friends and mother eventually

  16. 16 Pernille
    April 1, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I doubt you’re ever going to read this message, but I just wanted to say that I can totally relate. I am 21 and I just can’t get myself to say that I like girls. I’m from Denmark too, by the way, and I feel like it’s such a small country, so it’s hard to get into the whole gay community without outing yourself. There’s always someone who knows someone who knows you or your mom or whatever and I really hate that.

    Anyways. I really like this video. I have been wondering whether I was “wrong” or weird in some way because I had some years where I couldn’t really come to terms with my feelings/sexuality. I feel like Lacey’s story is pretty similar to mine, so it’s nice for me to see that even though I am pretty much in the closet and try to hide away sometimes, there is still hope for me, haha. Thanks for a great blog and great vid.

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