15
Sep
08

How I Handle Separation

Jessica’s Gone… Again

Here I am sitting alone on the weekend…  Wondering why I’m in love with an international model that’s always getting on planes and saying goodbye. Lately it seems like she’s saying goodbye more than hello….  aaannnddd then I start to giggle because I repeat the sentence “I’m in love with an international model,” Hahahahahaha! 🙂

Oohhhh Man, I wanted to write a workout blog tonight but I can’t seem to focus on anything other than the lovely Ms. Clark… Cliché, I know.

Sooo, here’s what I’m going to blog about- How to deal with separation from a loved one.  Bare with me now… I’m learning the art of mastering the skill as we speak, I’m by no means a professional, however if I stick with Ms Clark (which I plan on doing… Don’t get any funny ideas 🙂 ) I better get dam good at this. The woman is out of the country almost two weeks every month.

LACEY’S 8 TIPS TO RELATIONSHIP SEPARATION (when her gut reaction is to fall apart)

1.    HAVE YOUR OWN THING

For me my Job is the thing that saves me. I found something I really love doing, fitness –  www.laceystonefitness.com . This makes it easier when Jessica goes away because I don’t feel like my life is completely put on hold while she’s living hers.

Many of my past relationships failed because I put so much pressure on the other person.  When I look back on past relationships it’s clear that a lot of the time I lived vicariously through my girlfriend rather than having my own “Thing.” I find that having my own “Thing” gives me confidence and is my angel when Jessica’s away… AND I’m 100% certain if I didn’t have my own thing this relationship would not work long term.

2.    SCHEDULE, schedule, schedule!

When Jessica goes away I make sure my schedule is jam packed with activities that keep my mind going.  I make business meetings at night when I would normally be meeting up with Jessica.  I call friends that I’ve been MIA with and reconnect… I run errands, I call my mom a lot, and I pick up that book that’s starting to collect dust. Stay busy!

3.    SURPRISES

When I really start to miss her I figure out some sort of surprise.  Theatre tickets, rose petal messages, gifts waiting in her hotel room, silly stuff… Last Halloween I carved her a pumpkin that said, “I love you.” I enjoy creating moments that are meaningful… Memories.  In my opinion romantic ideas don’t have to be expensive but they do have to be creative. 

I tend to talk to my clients, friends, and people about romantic things that happened to them.  I think about what I would like someone to do for me and then I decide if that’s something Jessica would like.  Believe it or not she doesn’t like expensive gifts, she likes gifts that are meaningful.  Soooo, I listen to her all the time… Those are the best gifts, the gifts I come up with when she mentions something silly in passing; She loves sliced oranges, bubbles, pillows, doggies, the color purple… 

4.    KEEP IT TOGETHER

When Jessica leaves for 15days it SUCKS… I gotta be honest.  At the same time, she doesn’t want to be gone that long either.  It stinks for her too.  So I need to be strong for both of us.  If I’m not strong it makes it hard for her to do her job.  If I complain about her leaving all the time then she feels bad every time she gets a big job…  Feeling bad creates resentment and resentment creates something I don’t want to deal with.  Resentment leads to a lot of pain/frustrations/reasons for break-ups…  NOT a good place.  So I gotta keep it together… If her leaving hurts a lot I need to call mom, talk to friends, pay a therapist, but I don’t think it’s smart to put pressure on her because she already feels the pressure. She doesn’t want to be away, it’s killing her too. Of course, I can’t hide stuff… then I build resentment…  Communication is key.  If it starts to bother me to much that she’s away all the time I need to tell her. HOWEVER I think it’s important that I do try to work it out myself first.  I think it’s vital to keep it together not only for me, but also for us.

5.    LIVE NOW

I consciously train my brain to not run wild… I train it to stay out of catastrophe mode.  I find this to be the most difficult AND the most effective way to handle separation. 

What do I mean?? Here’s an example… I’m walking down the street and my mind starts to run away from me (YOU know that little voice in your head) “Jessica’s gone, this is impossible, how am I going to handle this… This week is going to stink… I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and now I’m going alone, I hate this… what am I going to do tonight, crap if only Jessica were here… AND on AND on AND on.” 

The BS that comes out of my head is endless and can be fairly destructive if I listen.  When Jessica goes away I try to be extremely aware of my thoughts and if a SUPER Negative thought won’t leave me I break it down so that I can find the positive twist on it.  Believe it or not there are two sides to every thought. Your outlook on your thoughts is based on how you choose to react to them.  The only real power we have as human beings is to decide how we’re going to handle situations, that is what differentiates us from other all species…  We have the choice to love, to hate, to laugh (no other species can laugh), to cry.

I’m getting a bit off track, Sorry.  It’s just that I find #5 to be huge and never underestimated.  I get asked a lot why I’m so positive… Honestly, I’ve been very negative in my life and it’s not a fun way to live.  Every Single Day I make a conscious choice to be the best version of myself, to be as positive in life as possible… I believe if everyone could find a way to be positive the world would be such a better place.  It’s easy to be negative about things… But being strong enough to find the positive in everything makes you a real survivor.   If you can find a way to smile through the pain you can handle anything. Live now!

6. ICHAT, PHONE, TEXT

Jessica and I have ICHAT DATES several times over the course of her many travels.  We get to see each other and chat as if she’s just in the other room 🙂  We are known to leave Ichat on for hours.

PHONE – I call her and leave her silly messages just to hear her voicemail.  GOD we are kind of ridiculous, eh? 🙂

TEXT – Annnddd the text message, I love to text her throughout the day telling her what I’m up to. I’m a bit of a texting BANDIT!  Often times we are in different time zones so if I say… “On my way to Equinox to BRING IT in TheBigGAME!!!,” she can know exactly what street I’m on and feel exactly what I’m feeling… It’s nice.

7.    FOCUS ON WHAT YOU HAVE

Trust me, it could always be worse.  I try to focus on what I have.  When I start to focus on what I don’t have it ALWAYS makes me angry guaranteed. 

EXAMPLES – When I get sad that Jessica’s away…

1. I could focus on how terrible I feel or I could focus on the fact that I have someone to miss. 

2. I could be upset that her job takes her away from me sooo much or I could focus on the fact that when she’s in New York her job gives her the freedom to see me whenever she wants.

This tactic is not dissimilar to #5, but sometimes it helps to make a list to make you feel better…Write out your thoughts and fight the fear and anger on paper. YOU can apply these tips to Work, Fitness, Family, whatever.  I find in Fitness often times people get caught up in what they don’t have instead of focusing on what they do have… if they don’t feel good immediately than something must be wrong? WRONG! Strength, growth, wisdom, weight-loss, love… They all take time, it takes courage to build a solid foundation in the prominent areas of your life.  I find that when I focus on the journey rather than the destination I am much Happier and more centered.

8.   GET ON A PLANE

Worst-case scenario… I can’t take it anymore! I fork over the doe, hop on a plane and say, “Heeyyyy Jessica, I’m comin to get YOU!”

How do you handle being separated from a loved one… It hurts right?! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Responses to “How I Handle Separation”


  1. 1 Black Cat
    September 15, 2008 at 2:43 am

    hi! Bumped into your blog few weeks ago and have been following it ever since! You two look perfect for each other and it feels refreshing to read your blog =)Its very thoughtful and informative indeed.

  2. 2 Esmeralda Ceja
    September 15, 2008 at 2:54 am

    I bet this has been a difficult “state-of-mind” to get yourself into…I know for me i is. My girlfriend is going through an in-patient PTSD 90-day therapy thing…and it has been 2 months since I have been able to see her…AND OMG IT KILLS ME!!!! …the first few weeks were really, REALLY bad!…thankfully I started school up again…all this took place during my summer break and Fall semester had just started for me so I was happy to have something to keep me busy and then after we both complained about it we figured that if we were going to make it through this we had to deal with it the best way we could instead of just complaining about it all the time…I mean she already feels bad enough “making” me go through this with her…but she is not making me do anything. I choose to be with her because I love her, I am not going to drop her just because of this…

    Your Blog makes sense to me and it resonates..and WHERE THE HECK WAS IT TWO MONTHS AGO!!!!!!! HA HA HA

    My gf and I are doing a lot better now that we communicate about how our days go and just do the little things we used to do when we were able to spend time with each other…it has been hard to get to this point…but I am happy we are here…and I am happy that you know how to deal with this separation anxiety business!

  3. 3 Yvonne
    September 15, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Your tips are just right on time, aren´t they?
    My Girl´ll be away for three months. 87 days, 2088 hours, 125280 seconds..and I´ll be able to visit her just one single weekend ;(! Sometimes I really hate the Models life but I surely support her being beautiful and making money with that ;)!
    I`m really thankful having your advise by my side right now. Maybe dealing with it will be easier this time.
    But there´s something else you could do:

    Keep her fragrance and put it all over the apartment.
    I love doin´ that ;-))

  4. September 16, 2008 at 12:07 am

    Out of all the blogs, this one I know will be my top favorites. You have perfect examples of what to do, what to think, how to be, and examples of “keeping it together.”

    I wish my girlfriend and I didn’t see each other for two weeks. Not that that is easy by any means and to have to it so frequently, but Kt and I don’t see each other for two or three months at a time. So I do relate, extremely. These tips can really help anyone and I do believe Lacey you’ve just about listed off everything I’ve had to learn slowly over the course of two years on my own… I wish this info was written out before! I believe everyone can know internally how to deal with such hardships accordingly, but it’s so much easier to just read a step to step guide. Ha-ha… So thank you. 🙂

    I’ve had to do all of the above and when Kt and I do not practice such positivity, web cam, calls, text message, sweet gifts, everything can go straight to hell. There have been times when we’ve wanted to break up more then I want to remember, two major events stick out in my mind for sure and once when we actually did break up, for about a month and a half. Tsk tsk I know. =P

    Everyone is differently and the way Kt will feel loved is different then how I will receive love or am capable of presenting it/love to her. You know Jessica likes puppies, sweet meaningful things, purple (best color ever btw!) etc…
    I come across a question in my mind, “How does one deal with problems when both people involved know that their ways of communication are so entirely different?”
    For example, Kt is introverted, keeps to herself, needs time for things, thoughts come about slow, and she can’t always express herself fully. I’m the opposite of all those things and sometimes I feel like I need someone similar in the communication department since it is, “the key.” (We can not change over night yes and adapting takes time, a lot of time — sometimes too much time.) Then resentment starts to build if one feels they’re doing more to make things work then the other… It’s all a huge mess really. LOL

    On a lighter note, you’re awesome and thank you for the tips. I will have have put them to good use. Hopping on a plane is a must! Bet your passport looks mighty interesting. 😀

  5. September 16, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    Hey GUYS!

    Thank YOU for your sweet and thoughtful messages… yeah… getting into this mindset is not the easiest thing for me today… BUT I know for me it’s the healthiest way to handle the separation.

    Rachel, Yvonne, & Esmeralda, WOW! YOU guys have to be apart for months at a time??? That’s really hard… Can YOU believe all the families divided because of the war, my heart really goes out to them. That takes courage! Not only are they apart but their lives are on the line…

    In terms of being with someone that’s introverted, that’s an interesting topic… I have dated introverts in the past and I’ve found it incredibly difficult. I guess the best way to handle that is to talk to your girlfriend about how her behavior/style of communication makes it vvveerrryyy difficult for you. I find when Jessica tells me that one of my behaviors is affecting her in a negative way that really gets me to change my actions… Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it until she speaks up.

    I think lasting loving relationships are ones that involve HONEST communication and INTEGRITY. The definition of INTEGRITY – Do what you say by when you say you will do it.

    I see a lot of my friends relationships break down because someone’s trying to be “cool” or a hotshot. Being a STUD in the beginning of a relationship might be kinda sexy but if you want to be in a long term relationship with amazing times…. YOU gotta drop the show and get your hands dirty.

    LOVE is many things but it’s not something to be taken for granted or treated like a game.

    I am going on ICHAT right NOW!! YAY! 🙂

  6. 6 jessica clark
    September 16, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    I’ve been a model since I was a young teenager and while it can be filled with incredible experiences and financial reward, the constant travel can be very isolating. It’s hard to build any kind of a foundation in a new relationship because before you can get comfortable… oops, you’re on another plane.

    The fears, insecurities and temptations on both sides often just become overwhelming and the idea of being forced to choose between a successful career and a successful relationship is abhorrent to me. It contributed to me avoiding intimacy altogether.

    I can’t even describe how much it means to me to be in love with a woman who understands my drive, who shares my ambition and who believes in me as much as I believe in her…. because she herself is driven, focused, passionate and dedicated.

    Lacey has it so right, as you all do…. I survive our separations with open, honest, communication (thank you iChat!!), integrity and a fierce belief that as hard as it is to be separated, the fact that I am lucky enough to HAVE someone as special as Lacey to miss so much is the greatest gift of all.

    She’s SO WORTH IT and I make sure to never forget that 🙂

    I miss her.

  7. 7 Esmeralda Ceja
    September 17, 2008 at 3:45 am

    **Update…my gf is almost done!!! She should be home by the end of the month!!!!!!!!!! OMFG it is about time!!!!!! …and my heart does go out to the families that are separated by the war…my gf is a Marine so I know how difficult and lonley that gets…it is always great to have a great support system of people you trust around you during those times…Hope all is well with everyone! I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  8. September 17, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    That is AMAZING Esmeralda!! Thank GOODNESS!! 🙂 yay! 🙂 I’m happy for you xx

  9. 9 jessica clark
    September 17, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    Esmeralda we’re SO HAPPY for you BOTH!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    This is the greatest news and I’m smiling big time. Yay!!

  10. 10 Esmeralda Ceja
    September 18, 2008 at 2:28 am

    Thank you so much guys! This sounds so cheesey…lol…but I came out to my parents about a month ago and some of my friends already knew…but they still changed their behavior towards me so I feel like you guys and 2 other people who are still there for me are like my ONLY friends these days…THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!


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