20
Aug
08

Do you believe in The One?

Lacey and I went out to dinner last night with a friend.  He’s a great looking guy.  He’s single, straight, smart, good job, athletic, funny.  Yeah….a total catch if you’re a straight woman.  The kind of guy NYC has in short supply.  All in all, the kind of guy that never has a problem getting a hot date for the weekend.

Want to know what we talked about?  How hard it is to find that special someone who has all the qualities on our list.  This hot guy, who according to the media, men’s magazines and TV shows, should only be focused on getting laid; this is what he wanted to talk about.  However we identify and no matter who we’re drawn to, everyone has something to say on this subject.  Why is it so hard?  Why is there always so much drama, or not enough?

How some of us…  most of us, seem to be looking, seeking, searching,  WAITING for the day we find that person… OR whether it’s even possible to find them?  If “The One” can really exist or if our list just gets even more specific, while we get even more set in our own way of doing things, until no key could quite fit into the narrow lock that really wants to be opened.  Until finally we quit the whole idea of a long-term successful relationship altogether.  Or we become tired of being a serial monogamist, a “one and done” multiple dater, or a sassy singleton, and choose to ‘settle.’

Is it unrealistic to hold out for that idealized individual, that great romance that some of us have in our minds eye?   It makes me wonder which is the greater disservice to us.  Giving up on the chance of true love?  Or the risk of looking past the person we could be so happy with because they don’t fit the criteria we’ve decided upon in our heads?  What does it mean to find your perfect match?

For me, falling in love with Lacey didn’t feel at all like what the story books, movies, and love songs had led me to believe great love would feel like.  Honestly, it was like my brain or my heart, or whatever I could think of to blame had dropped a great big ‘L-Bomb’ into my body.  I was scared. I felt vulnerable.  I was angry because I felt scared and vulnerable.  And…  I don’t think Lacey was all that happy about it either.  🙂  Those first six months, the first year, isn’t it supposedly all loved up lust, sunshine and fairy dust?  Well our first year was tough.  We both had baggage… (who doesn’t?), we had very different relationship histories, we had incompatible social circles, We had DRAMA.  A friend of mine still laughs about the day she asked me how it was all going and I replied in all seriousness… “Actually it’s great, we’ve got the drama fests down to every couple of weeks now.”

So why stick it out?  In my opinion, all externals aside, she was (and still is) the most interesting person I know.  She’s the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning, she’s the person who I can’t wait to talk to about my day, she’s the person whose opinion I respect beyond belief.  And if I’m honest about the truth I’ve learnt from my journey through dysfunction to present happiness… Nothing worthwhile comes easy.

When I first started working out again after years of under-eating and chain-smoking cigarettes I couldn’t run more than 20 meters without wanting to pass out, literally.  So everyday I ran just a few meters more and walked the rest until eventually I could run the mile long circuit without stopping.  The first time I had to lose weight healthily without any destructive behaviors I had to get focused, get educated on how to eat and develop a support system, friends, coworkers, gym buddies, a therapist that would help the new me stay disciplined.

Why would the same be any different when I fell in love with another person… someone as independent, and stubborn as me?  Especially as ‘independent’ I need someone like that, that was way up there on MY ‘list’!

I believe that it can be like it is in the movies, at least most of the time. IF both people want it, want the relationship enough to work for it.  Is there one great true love out there for each of us, OR are there many depending on where we are in our lives?  If I hadn’t jumped off the treadmill and asked Lacey out for coffee (yeah, I know… I’m bold 😉 ) would I be single now? 

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, all I know is that the best relationships I see are when the people are committed to making it work…  the bumps in the road come, just like the cookies sometimes call to me from the supermarket aisle, it’s how we choose to respond to life and our relationships that matter.

And after all…  Who would watch a drama- less movie?

What do you think about the idea of true love?

 

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17 Responses to “Do you believe in The One?”


  1. 1 JC
    August 20, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Great post! If only love were as easy as they make it seem in the movies.

    I have a great girlfriend who is also having the same issue finding a great guy. Perhaps they’d be interested in meeting each other?

  2. August 20, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    Another great post!

  3. August 20, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    Ok then Jessica – give it up! I want that bloke’s number, pronto!! Seriously, a great column – its nice to know I’m not alone in holding on to that ideal too. I think Alfred Tennyson said it best:

    I hold it true, whate’er befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    ‘Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

  4. 4 darbi
    August 21, 2008 at 3:06 am

    I don’t believe in “one” one. But who’s this guy??? 🙂

  5. August 21, 2008 at 4:43 am

    OMG THE PHOTO WOW!!

    Most believe that married people/long relationships lose the spark, romance to sheer boredom as the years go by. I absolutely disagree with such horrible stereotype.

    At least in my case it is the opposite. I am married almost 8 years the drama, intense chemistry, At ease with each other, fun, explosive romantic shenanigans came as the years go by. Love grows & we did he is my best friend, calms my fears, knows my every emotion, knows what I am thinking even before speaking & beyond. He treats me like I am the only woman in this universe. The first year was very hard almost hell cause we came from different worlds.
    One thing you should know. You cannot change a person you gotta learn to live with it. And who says you or me or anyone is perfect? Maybe another girl/guy will be worse.

    True love exists so does fights, drama, & make up sex:) Hello it is called “LIFE” & all the sh*t in it, including discovering my gay side later on AHHH!!!!!

    Speaking of DRAMA!

  6. 6 jessica clark
    August 21, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    I agree and am inspired by every word of your comment Rebecca, that is how I believe a relationship can evolve when two people truly commit. I am seeing it in my own relationship too, as time passes and we become an ever stronger unit, connecting on a deeper level that doesn’t always need words. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    And I never wanted to fall in love so deeply, never wanted to run the risk of having my heart shattered. But now having finally put down my walls and let myself feel it, now the words

    ‘Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.

    ring so true to me Sarah. I do believe in true love and it is worth the risk a thousand times over.

    As for the guy….. I’ll let him know all is not lost ladies 😉

  7. 7 Me
    August 21, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    I’ve been pondering this very topic a LOT lately. I am starting to feel like maybe I can at least recognize whose NOT The One. :/

  8. August 22, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    I think recognizing Mr/Mrs Wrong is the first mmmaajjjoorrrr step in identifying who’s your person. Jessica is my person, to quote one of my favorite episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (I love that show!) 🙂

    I don’t like the phrase… The One OR I really don’t like calling someone my “Best” Friend. I think life evolves… Right now, Jessica is The One for me annnddd we both need to continue to brriiinnngggg IT in this relationship in order to keep it fresh and FUN. If I start to be a slacker or she starts to be a slacker we need to communicate that to each other. My relationship with Jessica is like a fine wine… it’s constantly changing and in my heart I know it’s just going to get better with age… IF we continue to be true to ourselves and our relationship.

    WWWWOOOOO… Put a fork in me I’m done! YAY! Friday! 🙂

  9. 9 Raffy
    August 22, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    Great Post Jessica, you don’t know me but I know Lacey from a gym class.

    I have been married 6 years and I must tell you that I truly think that many folks out there and looking for Mr.Wonderful and hoping he meets EVERY SINGLE criteria they expected- NoT gonna happen… ok, really hard to happen! I love my hubby and would not give him up at all… ok, maybe for a night with Matt Damon, But really- from my marriage so far, which I know is not super long you must:
    1. Pick your battles
    2. Agree to disagree
    3. Learn to accept those things that you do not like or else you will give up all the wonderful qualities!

    PS- One of my best friends in NYC is this beautiful girl with a great job, owns her own apt and has a huge herat to give and she too just cannot find MR. Wonderful. So, I know you already had a request above, but if this dude wants a date… let’s set it up!

    Have a great day!
    You are a beautiful girl.

    Raffy

  10. 10 K-Lo
    August 22, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Ok… so you obviously knew. You knew that I would have to comment on this blog. I love you guys! Seriously! (Jessica.. we still need to meet!) Ok, so Lacey knows my story and I can honestly tell you I was one of those people. It was suppose to be a story book ending with everything I wanted in its place. The realization I came to when it ended was this:

    Completely losing yourself in someone and being in a little world of only being connected to that one person is NOT healthy, as great as it feels. The realities of life is that we eventually start to connect or be attracted to other people even when we think we are with, THE ONE. When we CHOOSE to give our heart to someone, we understand the importance of how both people need to be able to BE their independence therefore bringing that much more to their own relationship. This in turn feeds the growing you both do together. This I believe to the utmost.

    First, I’ll provide you with my 23 year old flow (3 years AFTER ”THE ONE”):

    As the afternoon sun shines itself through my
    window…… I find myself wanting to reach for
    it…..

    Some how….just knowing it is there reassures me that those who are worlds apart, are sharing the same sun. Sharing the same warmth. Looking at it in this perspective makes them feel so much closer….

    To know that I share the same beautiful blue and night sky makes it even more evident and comforting. No matter how far people are from me….they are always around…..either in the tune of a familiar song….in the beauty I find in some days……or simply…..in my heart and mind.

    I try my best not to forget…….but I’m old
    now….sometimes my memory fades me 🙂

    It’s funny…..being home, I almost feel like I’m a
    stranger in an unfamiliar place…when I drive around memories seem to flood my thoughts of how I used to be. I’m not that person anymore. Funny how you grow and things change….you look back at those distant memories thinking to yourself….”was that really me?” and you nod your head gently and smile…..

    The smell of spring brings me back so far….smelling the newness of each new day that presents itself to me. I remember the person, the little girl I was……so innocent…so clueless to everything. This little girl climbed trees and ran around without a care in the world….

    Things were simple back then…..weren’t they?

    Hmmmm…..now I find myself in a place trying to
    balance the reality of life. I’m not so clueless
    anymore. I am more aware of all things that surround me and things that I encounter everyday. I am more aware of myself and others then ever before.

    The way I see life now…..huh…..well….

    Every person is a link in the chain of your life.
    Every person you cross paths with in this lifetime is someone to learn from, no matter how long or short they stay. Whether it is good or bad, it is a life lesson. I have learned so much and I keep learning. Hopefully people have learned something from me as well. I always say I’m an old soul…….trapped in a 23 year old body….lol….

    Looking at things through the eyes of life
    experiences…..that is all I ever see things as; Life Experiences. There is no happily ever after, no guarantee of forever…..it is simply a life
    experience. The more I embrace that concept, the more I am able to live freely. We hold on so tightly to the idea of things being or going perfectly. When you hold on to something so tightly….no matter what it is…..it eventually slips through your fingers like sand. Seeing things just as they are, rather than how
    they will be leaves me in the moment, the present. It leaves me embracing and breathing in all that is.

    It leaves me knowing that worrying about how things
    will work out is not what is important. Life is all
    about the journey not the destination. Sometimes I
    forget this but Am always reminded in some way.
    Whether through the whispers of the warm wind or the little joys I see in a friend.

    If things ever come to an end……friendships,
    relationships, work experiences……I’m never
    disappointed anymore…..because I never held
    expectations to it. I always want things to work out for the best, no question but if they don’t….I take what I can, I learn what I can….and I move on. If you let any bad thing consume not just your thoughts but your entire being, it is wasted energy. Much rather put my energy and efforts into the good things
    in life…..like swinging while eating an apple with the sun in my face : P

    As I say all this to you….there is no hidden
    meaning…..just for you to grasp the type of person I am and how I look at things.

    Interesting how I can just write and let things flow sometimes…….
    ___________________________________________________

    Now I’ll provide you with what I wrote to ”THE ONE” as of late in our reconnection as friends with each other after 8 years:

    I am very much a believer since the time that you and I broke up that when you choose to be with someone you must keep a piece of yourself for you. Being able to establish these awesome connections with people outside of the relationship is what one needs to complete themselves. By doing so, they are able, together, to bring so much more to the relationship and therefore grow in unbelievable and unimaginable ways.

    There is no one person (as I used to so naively believe) that can complete you. Those connections/attractions with other people will always be there but you need to be with someone who will understand all of this on a deeper level (by the way I am not talking directly to you but in a general sense of speaking) and KNOW and UNDERSTAND that the person you have chosen to give your heart to will ultimately always be the one you will come back home to. This takes huge amounts of trust, communication, and realizations of being able to see how happy your partner can truly be with other people BUT know that you are the one and the only one they want to come running back to of their wonderful connections therefore reaching a deeper connection together.

    Seeing the person you love make those connections that will fill more than their heart and mind, but reach all the way deep down into their SOUL and want nothing more than for them to only experience it over and over again, now that is something. It takes a whole new level of realizations for this to occur.
    ___________________________________________________

    Now 8 years later I find myself in a 2 year relationship where it did not start out with those ideals and expectations and took a lot of work to get to where we are at now. But they are the first person since ”THE ONE” that I have wanted to give my 100% to. I’m right where I am suppose to be for now until the day we stop growing together. Just as Lacey said ”IF we continue to be true to ourselves and our relationship.”

    I kept throwing out ”THE ONE” in all of this to show the irony of it. When we know we can let another person hold our heart in their hands we need to remember that our soul stays in our own hands and is our own happiness. Not the happiness that we wait for someone to bring to us.

    Keep bringing it! LOVE it!

    P.S. Lace, when are you guys coming to Mtl????

  11. 11 jessica clark
    August 24, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    Wow, this is one of the many things about creating and writing this blog, together with Lacey, is that there are so many different ways of responding, perceiving and believing in the same concept and reality. Raffy and K-Lo thank you both so much for your insights…. and for expressing them so uniquely!

    K-Lo…I’ve heard a lot about you too woman! Can’t wait for the day we meet. Montreal is not all that far….

  12. August 24, 2008 at 11:37 pm

    I really relate with the whole, “Actually it’s great, we’ve got the drama fests down to every couple of weeks now.” SO MUCH, it’s crazy… I’m in a long distance relationship. Sacramento – Los Angeles. 300 miles separate my girlfriend, hopefully wife to be, and I. It’s no fun at times, but during this whole ordeal we’ve grown so much, learned a great deal about each other and ourselves. We do point out each other’s flaws to help each other grow. We fight more then we show affection and at times I want to walk away. I know on occasion she feels the same way.

    I’m often the girl who could just be like, “forget this,” since I had to waste time and I want my energy to be best used. So sometimes both our egos, willpower, stubborn nature, and pride really get in the way of something that’s so good, great even, it’s scary…

    Sum it up:

    An excerpt from my book Twilight:
    “My decision was made, made before I’d ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him (her). It was an impossibility.”

  13. August 25, 2008 at 12:42 am

    Roses
    “I’ve had my ways, and I’ve had my share of ups and downs.
    I been in trouble, and I couldn’t tell my ups from downs
    I been your baby, and I don’t know why you don’t seem like that no more
    welcome to the new definition of love.

    It ain’t all roses hey,
    flowers imposing hey
    said it ain’t all candy hey
    this love stuff is demanding hey
    Sometimes I need a hug.”

    -Mary J Blige sings it perfectly!

    This blog entry inspired me to write a little something of my own on my group. I gave props to you of course. 🙂

    http://forum.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=messageboard.viewThread&entryID=67114652&groupID=106343388&adTopicID=15&Mytoken=1E25679B-FDE8-4050-9F637BCEE9B2842A15853110

  14. 14 amy
    September 2, 2008 at 6:37 pm

    I am far behind on reading your blogs but i do have to stay this is such a topic that is so on the front burner and you are so true in your words. It really actually made me think about a lot of things as I scrolled through that it is true work is the key and when you aren’t willing to fight for what you want what is the point. Good Blog Jess….

  15. September 7, 2008 at 10:23 pm

    I was skimming thru your blog and saw this. Now, being a fellow female trainer,t here was prob a few other topics I should have put my 2 cents in on first…but I have to be honest and say this is a topic that I mull over time and time again.

    I definitely have had many times where I quiz all my guy friends and ask them how and what men think about every topic possible. I can’t understand how I am surrounded by a buncha great guys that have become added brothers ( not that I needed anymore) yet cannot find a guy that has what it takes to truly be my partner in life and love.
    To me, the ideal relationship is never always ideal. I don’t believe in movie love or being head over heals for the rest of my life with them. I want that one person who our bond is so strong that we know we arent always going to like each other, we may fall in and out of love with each other, but we will always be there for each other thru those moments. And thru good or bad, when the other falters, we without hesitation are there to pick up.
    I often feel being a strong independent woman is my greatest success and biggest downfall. I guess I haven’t met a man strong enough to be with a woman like that. BUT, I never give up hope. That would make me a horrible personal trainer! lol

    Cher
    http://www.chermartinetti.wordpress.com

  16. February 3, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    I must say. That was very… wow. Inspiring. In ways: everything I’ve found myself lost in thought in and couldn’t put together to make sense for the life of me.

    I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year, we’ve carried our baggage with us as well, and it hasn’t been a walk in the park the entire way. This has been the most taxing, long-term, serious relationship I’ve been in- but like you, one thing I do know despite all our cons is that I love her and I know she loves me.

    With all the negative things that pull at people, whether it be different social crowds, backgrounds, histories, problems, really… all it takes is focus on the goal and work to get there.

    We can lose sight of that at any time so that’s where boundaries and setting up accountability comes into play. Discipline. Right on. And the things worth-while are in essence, worth everything.

    I’ve had my skeptical views and my romantic ones come full circle in relation to “love” and “the one”, but one constant belief in the impermeable character love resides in remains; if it’s love, it’s forever. It may change. It may grow deeper. But it never goes away. All those self-less, patient, understanding, long-lasting characteristics that cling to it’s being. It’s kinda omnipresent even. Bigger than just that other person and you but, you as an individual and everything in the world.

    No one knows all the what-ifs, whys, or hows those fairy-tails we may all secretly crave.

    But isn’t that part of the fun, as you mentioned, in reading the stories we scribe from our lives?

    Thank you for the reminder.

  17. 17 Ambrosi
    July 23, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Hey, it is a long time ago this blog and posts were written and I wanted to make sure that if I post something now it will be read by someone, doesn’t matter who, because I have some thing to say but I don’t want to risk getting my hopes high, pouring my soul out and getting disappointed by the everlasting silence…so, is there anybody there?


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