06
Aug
08

Yes I’m a HOMO.

“So have you got a boyfriend?”  This question invariably arises at some point in the afternoon of a shoot.  This is after the many social conversations that everybody tends to have…”I’m going on vacation with my girlfriend”; “I’m moving in with my girlfriend”: “I’m a little stressed out because me and my girlfriend are both working so much we don’t get much time together right now”.

Do I have a boyfriend? “No…I have a GIRLFRIEND (the one I’ve been talking about all day!). I’m gay.

Pause. Silent appraisal.  Slightly incredulous “Really?”

Yes really.  Yes I’m a lesbian, gay, homosexual, queer.  Not Straight.

To Straight men: Yes I mean gay, not bi-sexual. No I don’t need to try a ‘real man’ thank you; No you can’t join in; No you can’t watch. No I do NOT miss men.  Ever. Yes, I really mean gay GAY.

To Straight women: Yes I used to date men as well; Yes I was always attracted to women…I would only play Drs and Nurses with girls…NEVER boys J; No it is definitely NOT “so much easier”, it’s not about being ‘over’ men and turning to a woman to feel better. We don’t just hold hands and play with each other’s hair…thank goodness!  IF you’re gay then you are as emotionally and sexually vulnerable with a woman as a straight woman is with a man. These women can and sometimes do break your heart.  No man could ever make me feel as alive, as excited, as loved, as satisfied or as scared as a woman has.  For me, only a woman can crush me emotionally, or make me happier than I ever thought possible.  Only a woman can truly have all of me: body and soul and heart and mind. 

To Gay Men; Yes Lacey’s really hot and yes, we’re really happy! Look…here’s a picture J

 

To Lesbians: I am not a TOURIST.  I am not a straight girl playing at being gay, not part of the lesbian-lite trend, this is not a fun game for me to entertain myself with before I “Go back to men”.  I am not “confused” thank you.  No I’m not a GoldStar, but neither are half of you and are any of you less gay for that reason?  Lacey is not my first, second or third girlfriend (although she is definitely the most AMAZING J) Yes, I’m extremely feminine in the way that I dress.  I know that I look a bit like a Barbie doll half of the time and yes, I probably would be taken more seriously as a gay woman if I changed my style.  But you’ve never even had a conversation with me and you assume you know what I’m all about.

 

Isn’t the point of the struggle for EQUALITY for gay people at least partly to do with the human right to be who we truly authentically are?  I could cut my hair and stop wearing dresses and high heels but that would be pretending to be something I’m not.  I’m not asking you to be attracted to me as a femme…that’s either what you like or not, but it pisses me off that that is used as a reason not to take me, or all the other femmes seriously. 

Surely the diversity of our culture is to be celebrated as a sign that more and more women feel freer to live the life we want; to love and desire whoever we want?

 

 

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33 Responses to “Yes I’m a HOMO.”


  1. August 6, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    What a f***ing great blog…well said!

  2. 2 mr pinstripes
    August 6, 2008 at 5:33 pm

    Well the “culture” of gay girls is definitely as narrow minded as any other sub culture- ironically. you’d expect there to be tolerance and open mindedess but it’s rarely the case, as with any people really. most people suck! gay straight or australian. =p i’ve dated lesbians (like proper ones who hadn’t had a man since they were in highschool if ever) and it had to be super hush hush or their friends would call them breeders and stop being their friends. can you imagine?.. wouldnt a real friend support anohters happiness? or their growth or what not? (obviosuly not if it’s a threat to some dumb politic the one i think has you peeved) and we dated cuz we liked each other’s spirits.. and they liked feeling small compared to me instead of being dominant (physically) as they were in other relationships, obviously it didn’t work out , since as you pointed out, they are GAY after all meaning that for a truly fullfilling long lasting thing, they can only “fall” for women. same thing happend to me when i reconcilled with an ex who now was sort of born again, her new “church friends” didnt like me cuz i was catholic, they’d say all sorts of unchristian like things, yet i treated her how a “chrsitian should” even though im as far from religious as possible.. also i know lesbians who are getting more and more frustrated with how “trendy” it is now for younger girls to be BI yet they won’t go past 2nd base. it’s all so silly. im surprised you even felt a need to expound on your frustrations -i think they go with out saying for any evolved person who is comfortable with themselves. who gives a shit what people think right? i think it’s because most people expect lesbians to dress like boys and have muffin tops so when they find out you’re gay they are thrown off. who cares what kind of genitals people like to fondle it’s all so boring , i wish the world would just fast forward past all these identity politics. (more self righteous patronizing opinions coming up i apologize)i’d stop labeling yourself a “femme” that’s a start. stop labeling yourself “gay”. or “female” or “indian” what’s their to be proud of in these labels besides your character anyways? im sure you know women, indians, gays and femmes who are shitty people no? (40 million voted for bush for example) just be a human and i think people will treat you like one, well, at least siletnly they will respect you even if their dumb curiosities about woman on woman partnerships force some silly questions. it works for me, taking that lonely high road. at least you have someone to take it with you! that’s all that really matters. =p it’s such an old sentiment anyways….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsfCe5-nEkw&feature=related

  3. 3 Kaiti
    August 6, 2008 at 5:39 pm

    I think it sucks that you need to post this type of reasoning.

    Sadly….those who don’t “get it” continue to question the lifestyle choices and the validity of such. AS a high femme myself I love the idea of continuing to break the “stereo-type” of gay women. I have no doubt its hard for our butch sisters to be stared at, etc…. but it’s just as hard to be a femme and be continually questioned on if it’s a “phase” or not.

    I am a strong, educated, perfumed, Chanel and Dior’d lesbian….and it fucking rocks!

    kt in Atlanta

  4. August 6, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    Say it one more time lol. “I’m a lesbian, gay, homosexual, queer. Not Straight.” Sounds hot when you say (write) it.

    Girl you need to stop complaining cause some of us have it worse. Does “married, closeted, I’m going insane desiring the oh so forbidden come to mind? Doesn’t help either that I’m ultra femme.

    Just be inane to comments they are just curious not ignorant at least I think so!

    Peace

  5. August 6, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    Hahahahahaha! What Kristi said… I LOVE what you wrote my barbie dolly. I’m sooooo happy you stayed true to the person that you are… Cause listen, I’m a HOMO and I love each and every part of you. PLEASE – keep those high heals, blow out that hair, WORK that sexy body… Let that light shine.

    If you’re gay, straight, bi, whatever… OWN IT baby, love it, LIVE IT UP! 🙂

  6. 6 amy
    August 6, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    SERIOUSLY YET ANOTHER REASON I LOVE YOU and get along with you… brilliant of you to write such a truth..

  7. 7 SP
    August 6, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    OMG….You too?! 😉

  8. 8 jessica clark
    August 6, 2008 at 8:06 pm

    Wow…thanks for all these responses, and for your support. It’s so great to hear such different perspectives.

    Mr Pinstripes…I totally agree with the ideal of not using labels, but I think its still a part of our society…not only that but I’m happy and proud to be a ‘femme’, a woman, mixed race and the many other categories that I fall into. What makes me sad and frustrated is when people question the validity of HOW people choose to define themselves and that is why I wanted to write this blog.

    And Kaiti…ROCK ON girl…I agree that continuing to challenge stereotypes just by being ourselves is a powerful and satifying thing. And I truly have much respect for the prejudices our butch sisters face…but I will also never see how dividing our culture will ever help further any cause.

    It was not my intention to complain…I love my life and am very blessed, but I wanted to open up the debate…thank you all 🙂

    Who else has something to say?

  9. 9 Jen
    August 6, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you!
    Girl you are sharing what so many of us think and feel. I love that you know who you are and are not afraid to say it. It’s hot.

  10. 10 Lesley
    August 6, 2008 at 9:15 pm

    Well said!! I completely identify with what you are saying. People just don’t get that a beautiful feminine woman can be gay. I get that kind of crap anytime I tell a straight man I’m gay. In their minds it simply can’t be.Unfortunately labels and stereotypes aren’t going away anytime soon. I applaud your courage for being completely out. You are helping to educate the world about the diversity of the gay and lesbian community.

  11. 11 mr pinstripes
    August 6, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    well that means mr pinstripes would have nothing to be proud of if everyone else is proud of their race or orientation or other “minority”etc. I am straight white male over 6′ supposedly the whole world revolves around me but in reality, i get more discrimination on a daily basis then most people i know for “being myself” be it getting my hair braided, dating some girl from the DR or just standing out in front of the liquor store amongst all the PJ people. i also got no scholarships despite my 3.5, had a single mom on welfare who raised 3 kids then got into business for herself and went on to make 6 figures… had a passport when i was 6 yet got free lunches at school, i used to dunk on brothers on the court, you name the cliche or stereo type, i make it moot. just like you do! =p labels are for the red carpet interviews maybe one day when/if im famous i can tell the whole world who’s dress i’m wearin!

  12. 12 mr pinstripes
    August 6, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    see.. “like our butch sisters” phrases like that, if a non lesbian assumed all lesbians were sticking together and had similar world views just because they’re gay, well that’d be laughed at. so in the same vein, i think it’s sort of naive (or at least a recipee for a let down) for people to “pub” other people just for sharing the same sexual orientation – though i can see how at least it’s accentuating a positive instead of looking for a difference like most groups do i still think it’s an assumption that creates expectation so then when said butch girl talks shit to femme girl at a barbeque cuz of normal human reasons like hatin or jealousy or being drunk it leaves people divided on differences that were created by LABELS. it’d be like hipsters arguing with mods.. like the jets and the sharks aka silly no? i guess im rambling, people will hate on you because you’re hot and it’s as simple as that really. pretty is pretty no matter how you dress it anyways and i think there are some serious obesity issues in the lesbian commmunity – at least in places like minneapolis and portland and definitly the inner cities (and i’d expect the first thing women say when reading that is to say im an asshole, i don’t understand “real beauty” and that I am shallow and I am the reason there are bulimics and such out there and i objectify women) but let’s be real here.. lots of fat people and no one seems to address it- why?

  13. August 6, 2008 at 10:40 pm

    As a femme lesbian who feels pressured to be butch, which appears to be how most people perceive lesbians, I completely understand what you mean.

    The gay community constantly fights for acceptance, but it will be so hard to REALLY achieve equality if we discriminate against each other. Butch lesbians being skeptical of femmes, lesbians in general looking down on bisexuals (there’s such a HUGE gap between lesbians and bisexuals, I’ve noticed), even gay men and lesbians being prejudiced and discriminatory towards each other. If you go on PerezHilton.com, Hilton, who is a gay man, is constantly branding lesbian celebrities with derogatory and ridiculous names.

    Its so annoying. I wish people weren’t so judgmental, but apparently, its a part of human nature.

  14. 14 K-Lo
    August 6, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    Absolutely and utterly one of the best pieces I have read on here to date by you, Jessica. Could it be exaggerated to the point of catching my breath? Lacey, I love you man and I am so happy you have this strong, deep, passionate woman in your life that offers such truth to you. It is no wonder the both of you have crossed each others path in this lifetime 🙂 So much beauty in the world, outside and INSIDE Jessica Clark! Loved it and thanks for allowing that piece of your truth into each of our lives… and now I need to own it 😉 Right Lace? 🙂

  15. August 6, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    That just made me smile Ms. Jessica. I loved all of it and how it addressed each individual audience differently with questions and answers that do come up. It was perfect…

    You’re not a Gold star though? My girlfriend and I are! 😉 Ha-ha, I’m only teasing and it is not a problem.

    I have posted my own complaints about femme lesbians not receiving enough recognition or being taken as seriously because one happens to be femme. I’m definitely not butch and I happen to love other femme women. I think there is something so powerful, provocative, sexy, about a woman who can hold her own, be strong, seductive, educated and be the boss and still know how to wear heels. That takes talent ladies! Heels can and do cause injury!

    Now getting into femininity. First thing, there are masculine women and there are feminine women. It has been said in text that most lesbian women reject the usual “normalcies” of being feminine because they find female roles restrictive. Which is true to a degree, femininity has been linked to oppression and restrictions. And masculinity has been linked to freedoms, strength, and power. With that being said that masculinity has been linked to power I question the reasons behind women wanting to be masculine. I don’t necessarily think it is wrong in all cases, but I do believe that there are occasions when lesbian women in particular find being feminine oppressive and they do not want to be perceived as powerless so they go about being more “manly.”

    I want to celebrate women. I want to celebrate our accomplishments. I want to celebrate everything that is female. I do not think it happens enough into days world.

    Yay for being gay! Ha-ha

    Bravo Jessica for everything! *high fives*

  16. August 7, 2008 at 12:08 am

    I hear ya K-LO! She’s wonderful beyond aaannnddd you my dear need to OWN that S*&% ahora!!!

    Aaannnddd Rachel… I’m all about it, women are powerful…. so so powerful, I love us… I just wish we could trust each other more… YOU know we could take over this FREAKIN world if we would just start treating each other with the respect we deserve.

  17. 17 rebecca
    August 7, 2008 at 1:08 am

    Rachel JW, lovely comment so true!

    (YOU know we could take over this FREAKIN world if we would just start treating each other with the respect we deserve.)

    How can it happen when we women fight over labels like it’s world war III? MEOW 🙂 All you need to do is read Craiglist for entertainment reason’s you will turn blue in your face THE DRAMA OMG!

    Jess, I don’t blame the men either for trying. 1) I have heard many lesbians sleep with men on occasions. Hey don’t ask me lol. 2) Who are you gonna fool even the ocean, sky trees wish to look into your pretty face.. ok ok doesn’t sound right. You catch my drift.

    Lacey is one lucky ma’am & vice versa. I think you two can change something in this world starting with this amazing, helpful blog.

  18. 18 Kayla
    August 7, 2008 at 2:14 am

    Hollaaa! That was a delightful blog, I loved every part of it! My favorite part: “I am not “confused” thank you.” I hate when people assume they know more about you than you know about yourself. Don’t try to convince me that I’m confused, or just having different feelings. I’m not afraid to be gay, I’m quite happy, actually. I don’t need consoling or rationalizing. I’m informing you, not asking for advice on how to be straight.

  19. 19 Jamie
    August 7, 2008 at 2:27 am

    Awesome, most people just think it, I’m glad somebody has actually said it. Theres nothing wrong with a homo in high heels and a dress. And to whoever said not baing a goldstar makes us less gay.. GO TO HELL! Im not gonna prentend im somebody else to make someone else happy:)

  20. 20 stef
    August 7, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Weird, I just blogged about this the other day. I feel ya, though I’m sure you get it way worse being a model and all. I pretty much hit my limit of having to promise every lesbian I met over the summer that I was quite sure I’m gay and yes, I have dated women for quite a while. Do I need to carry all my seasons of The L Word with me and proof of my subscription to Diva? That was an instant turn-off. I want to love gay culture, it really interests me, but I hate how I feel almost outside of it because of how I look. I actually had a friend get made fun of for wearing a dress and heels to a lesbian party. I mean really? I don’t ever question a butch woman as say, “are you sure your not transitioning? – I mean you LOOK really masculine.” I’d probably get a beat down (and rightfully so). For some reason it just seems to be human nature that we assume we know more about a person’s situation in life than they do. What matters is how we feel comfortable expressing ourselves sexually/physically/emotionally. No one else should be able to tell you that you have to express yourself in a certain way to be who you are or fit a label.

  21. 21 Marissa
    August 8, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Beautiful! Its your Life to Love..do what makes you happy! Both of you are so amazing and inspiring… Love you guys! XOXO

  22. 22 jessica clark
    August 8, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    Wow…I’m overwhelmed with such questioning, intelligent, loving, supportive responses. This is exactly why Lacey and I created this blog…so many powerful,unique voices out there 🙂
    Thank you all…you’re phenomenal and we hope to hear more from you all over the next days and weeks!

  23. 24 maloudk
    September 3, 2008 at 8:57 am

    What an amazing post Jessica!
    I find it that my girlfriend and I are always challenged by our non-stereotypical way of dressing. My gf especially at work had to answer to a lot of comments that would NEVER be said to a straight co-worker….like “oh I never saw you in a skirt before”.(wtf) I find it also sad how we can get stressed out about finding an outfit in the morning that doesn’t seem “too dyke-ish”, because we don’t want to be perceived as a stereotype, and feels that we would be if we just dressed down every once in a while.

  24. 25 d
    September 3, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Hello Jessica and Lacey:

    Thank you for your clearly focused voices. How wonderfully you address the issues of lookism and discrimination within the women’s community. I’m often confronted with many of the same issues your comments suggest. In my personal experience, I am typically that queer woman who is much overlooked because I don’t fit into a butch or uber femme category. Often, I feel there is pressure to fit into one category or the other. On some days, I am butched out in the way a dress and the way I physically present myself – particularly when I am at the gym going for a 300 lb deadlift. But my affected butchier gym persona is only one aspect of who I am. It in no way should be an overriding barometer to assume that this is ALL I am. On other days I love to rock the skirts and heels, because it’s just what I feel in the moment. Why do we have to choose? As you have commented, we totally miss the opportunity to “see” each other just because of our assumptions which in essence are nothing more than social constructions used to disempower the spirit. Personally, I love femme women, but I am often deftly afraid to approach for fear of being slapped, so I just admire from afar. I have zero gaydar, thus is the reason for my eternal single status. That aside, I love the refreshing voices of clarity and strength that you and Lacey offer for young (and women of all ages) who struggle with acceptance within the women’s community and other aspects of their lives. Continue to be strong in your resolve in the face of ignorance and misinformation. The two of you seem to be a great couple, and I wish you continued happiness and growth individually and together.

    Namaste

  25. 26 Lisa
    September 3, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    nice, i liked it, especially the goldstar part that was hilarious.

    thanks for posting

  26. September 4, 2008 at 12:11 am

    I completely know what you mean. My mum and older sister have gossipped about me behind my back, saying I can’t be a real lesbian, that I must have been traumatised by my parents’ separation. The reason they say this? Because I’m slight in build, I have long hair, I’m what society would call “pretty” and I wear skirts and dresses during summer. It makes me feel like a circus freak, like I’m the only gay girl in the history of the world to wear skirts in the heat of an Australian summer- even though I know there are tons of other girly lesbians out there. A few months ago, a lesbian community on Livejournal had this comment thread where everyone posted the hottest picture of themselves that they had. It was so heartwarming to see how many different definitions of hotness there were. I wanted to call my mum over to look, but I was scared she’d just point and say, “No, they’re not really pretty at all. That one’s overweight, that one has a piercing, that one’s hair is above shoulder length…” and then I’d feel like a skinny, unpierced, long-haired, femmey freak all over again.

    Thank God my girlfriend likes me in skirts and dresses. She makes me feel like I’m really beautiful, not just what society finds attractive.

  27. 28 Yvonne
    September 8, 2008 at 10:05 am

    Hey you both powerful, blogging Ladies and all the other amazing Ladies and Gentleman out there.
    I just wanted to thank you for this wonderful, enlightening Blog.
    I wasn´t expecting something positive, down to earth like that on today´s “Google Mission” and I´m really, really thankful.
    Keep on writing please. You just made me feel better in seconds ;-)!

  28. 29 kis4karma
    September 28, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    those who “don’t get it” are ignorant. I’m bi-sexual and in my blog (thedemiseofarelationship.wordpress.com) I start off by talking about the ending of a relationship with a guy. Later on I will venture into my relationships with women.

    I detest peoples ignorant attitudes to the LGTB lifestyle. I was asked advice from a guy a few days ago… he told me about a girl he was dating whose virginity he had taken – or thought he had taken. He then ask me – well how do you know?… I proceeded with “well, when I took my ex-girlfriends virginity…” and he said “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY??”
    I looked at him blankly. I thought he would be able to handle the conversation. Instead he said I was wrong, I scarred her for life, I used a “toy” to violate her and I am a big sinner. Thinking back at it now, I have to laugh. What an idiot! You can’t argue with someone so ignorant. To him a woman losing her virginity to another was so foreign – I had to point out several time, “dude, it’s been done before – it’s being done as we speak”. As the proverb goes “if you kick a stone in anger, you will only hurt your own foot” so after attempting to educate him a bit, and him continuing to be very angry (maybe his mother left his dad for a woman) I just left it go.

    My whole thing is, we are living in the year 2008 – homosexuality and us queers have been around since the beginning of time.

    Another thing that is humorous to me, is people saying that BI-SEXUALITY is wrong. Well, they have the definition of what being bi-sexual is all wrong. A bi-sexual woman isn’t a female who fucks males and females – that’s a freak. Being bi-sexual means loving both sexes – not fucking both. Ones sexuality isn’t just about physicality. Think about it, is being heterosexual only about sex and pro(or not)-creating?? I’m going to get deeper into this on a future blog of mine…

    I’m very feminine in looks myself.5 inch heels are a must for me, heels are a must everyday. Manicures, lip gloss – what probably gives me away is the rainbow tattoo (lol) – with the Venus symbol and my cutting of my hair recently.
    NO ONE can tell me I don’t love women – I’ve been having sexual intercourse with them since I was 9 – yes 9 – and yes actual intercourse – and even before then I was into girls. I’ve been in RELATIONSHIPS with women – not play dates and kissing for the fun and fuck of it.
    *shrugs
    I don’t offer explanations to people when they ask about my sexuality anymore – why should I? I’ve loved men, I loved women – do you want to be “recruited”??

    Good blog,you have given light to plenty of my feelings and views.

    thedemiseofarelationship.wordpress.com

  29. 30 Laia
    January 10, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    You’re strong, you’re confident, you’re powerful, you’re intelligent. You’re gay. Ad of course you’re right!.
    As a lesbian who’s very feminine and dates a lesbian who is extremely feminine too, I have similar problems with people who pretends to asume who you are before asking. Too much confusion, too much stereotypes. It really sucks!.
    Thanks for posting it. I like the way you girls say what you say. And I wish you luck:)

  30. 31 Wanda
    February 14, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Jessica, I agree with you so much. Good job explaining your unrelenting femininity. You can’t help it just like you can’t help being a f**king good looking femme. You are. : ) Anyway, I am a lesbian. I do not look butchy nor do I look like a femme. Well maybe only a little. So, I’ve never felt like I was any’thing’ other than myself. So believe me, I totally understand. I love the title of your blog and your directness. I am saddend though that…..you found Lacey first and not me 😦 Ha, ha. But truly, I am very happy your road to your true being is unfolding. It appears your steps are going in the right direction.

  31. January 7, 2013 at 5:54 pm

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  32. April 30, 2013 at 12:24 am

    Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems
    as though you relied on the video to make your point.
    You clearly know what youre talking about, why throw away your
    intelligence on just posting videos to your blog when you
    could be giving us something informative to read?


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