You’re Fat

That’s me post Stabbing, post Pool Party…      

“Yeah… All those Victoria Secret Models are Fat anyway…” – TRUE QUOTE

Here’s the story- Lacey and I are at a pool party, bikinis, sunshine, feeling good. I’m not ‘on’, not in a casting directors office, not in the studio, not even walking into my agency. My guard is down.

There’s a designer at this pool party (The Victoria Secret quote was one of my many stabbings that afternoon). Once he realizes that I’m a model and that he approves of my agency, he wants to know why I don’t do runway anymore. My short answer is “I got really screwed up with drugs and food and I couldn’t stay THAT thin without being ill.”

True story- He told me to stop being lazy, that I had got complacent. That I was “beautiful, amazing, wonderful”, that he was “glad” I’d got better, but that now I needed to limit my food and get back down to a size 0-2. That I needed to “Get my s**t together.” Then he would put me in his show. I’m 5.11’, I’m currently a 2-4 and trust me….  I still don’t eat that much and I work out A LOT.

So what did I do? Did I get angry, yell, cry, defend myself? I said, “Well thank you, but I actually do very nicely 
as a model without runway and I’m much happier.” That was it. Lacey was upset that I didn’t want to say anything more, that I wouldn’t let her defend me, let her tell him in no uncertain words that actually I was all about having my life together these days. That I did get my shit together.

People couldn’t understand why I didn’t say anything; if you know me, you know that I’m passionate and articulate about what I believe. And I’d be lying to say that his words didn’t affect me. That I didn’t spend the next few days checking in with myself so that I didn’t start restricting my food, or overeat and go throw up. However far into recovery you get… Eating disorders can creep up on you fast IF you don’t respect their power.

I didn’t fight back because I knew my words would fall on deaf ears, because I have spent years witnessing the machine that is the fashion industry, because I would rather conserve my energy and talk about my journey to those who might actually hear and see it for the positive and empowering experience it is. Because to me that was a battle that would not have any impact on the long term war between women and popular culture. That all it would do would turn a beautiful sunny day ugly… Because I still work in that world and I didn’t want to start a fight I wouldn’t win.

But to Lacey, and one of my model friends who also recovered from an eating disorder, that is one of the reasons why things don’t change. Because maybe, possibly, there was a small chance he would’ve listened. 

So is it cowardly to stay silent because you’re too tired to fight that day? Have any of you had to decide whether to speak up or stay silent? How did it make you feel? 



10 Responses to “You’re Fat”

  1. July 21, 2008 at 1:49 am

    Oh wow, oh wow… I can’t believe someone who doesn’t know you personally would say such things to you. What bad karma for them honestly. I would have wanted to have a kick to his small sack, watch him fall to the ground, and then proceed to bash his probably already ugly face in as he’s I envision him in a tacky hawaiian pattern, button up, shirt and or shorts. *Tsk tsk* I’m not violent I swear, but that just makes me so angry. I apologies.

    I’m sorry you had to hear that from some idiot. I know how even attempting to have an intelligent conversation, in hopes that he had enough brains to understand. I don’t think that would have been the right way to go though. I think walking away was the best choice. Your method of “not taking it personally,” letting the comments roll off your shoulders, and not letting him affect you to the point of anger was a great achievement on your part! I must say, you handled yourself better than I might have.

    Personally, I don’t want to understand the warped world of “fashion/the media.” I’m a medical student that is going to save lives and affect a great number of individuals with — at least that is my plan — who are dying, sick and or injured while he’s sitting around playing with fabric and thinking that’s all there is. I love photography don’t get me wrong, but we should find the beauty in all things. I say it’s about time people such as him go out there are actually experience the world through the eyes of someone who actually tries to make a difference and not just dresses. (Some people just don’t understand what it is to suffer, to be hungry, to cry, to have an actual emotion.) I could never fit in with such a heartless, materialistic crowd. I have a purpose greater then that of judging other people especially with something so useless as a person’s outer shell.

    Much love to you both. You’re awesome and you handled yourself well.

  2. 2 Cassandra
    July 21, 2008 at 2:14 am

    Good for you Jessica!! Your wonderful just the way you are..He’s lucky..Lacey would have broken his little neck…LOL

  3. 3 Annie G
    July 21, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Sounds like you did speak up and you didn’t feed into the negative energy, which you don’t need. Not worth it. Fighting is not the answer.
    You had your important people in your corner if you were forced to.
    You weren’t going to win the women and pop culture war then and there, but you still won the battle without even fighting:
    1) You’re “beautiful, amazing, wonderful” – his words.
    2) You answered his question of why you don’t do runway anymore – you’re happy. Aaaand that’s the game!
    Always speak up positively and constructively – seems you did.
    Go J! 🙂 XO

  4. July 21, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    You are nothing short of an angel the way you handled it. Billions of women on this planet would kill to look like you Jess. He is a freak who needed to boost his EGO through your beauty.

    Most of us don’t get it cause we know all about your industry and the mean, heartless, brutal, judgmental bs going on. I think it’s scary as hell glad I aint in it.

    Wake up Jess you are drop dead gorgeous and you know it.

  5. 5 Angie
    July 21, 2008 at 5:27 pm

    Stay silent or fight back… I completely understand your situation. I myself suffered from an eating disorder and like you, said you have to respect its power. It took me a long time to finally stay on track and look back with no fear that “this monster” would come back. (Still I feel as if it’s hiding somewhere) Years ego I would have fought back just to prove, not only to a stranger but myself, that I WAS FINE. And I would have started an argument for what?
    It is not considered being cowardly it’s actually the real powerful you that has no business in proving yourself to other people. Wayne Dyer has an amazing quote that I love: “What you think of me is not of my business”.
    I’m an actress and almost like in the fashion business actors are constantly comparing themselves to others. Specially women. I have to constantly train “my core” not only physically but mentally so that the monster doesn’t sneak in somebody else’s custom.

  6. 6 Grace
    July 21, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    I would probably do exactly the same! That person seemed so stucked in his own point of view that you surely would get tired to response back… Enjoy the party and the lazzyness of being in a balanced point of your live 😉

  7. 7 K-Lo
    July 24, 2008 at 2:29 pm

    We have yet still had the chance to meet but by reading this particular blog from you tells me exactly what Lacey said:

    ”You guys will really get along!”

    It sounds like you have come such a long way on your journey and just with this one particular blog that I found the time to read, you keep evolving. That is great and I look forward to having the chance to finally meet THE LOVE in Lace’s life. Give Lace a little nudge of possibly the you both of you coming to Montreal every now and again would ya 🙂

  8. July 31, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    That guy sounds like a soul killer. He probably watches the waifs coming down the catwalk and mentally congratulates himself on all the skeletons he’s helped to create.

    I think you were right to keep cool. It sounds like it wasn’t the time or the place for a showdown.

    Great blog girls!… Love it.

  9. 9 Angelica
    September 7, 2008 at 12:47 am

    it’s not cowardly AT ALL to stay quiet. it takes a VERY strong individual to stay calm & not react. what you said was perfect 🙂 the “thank you” shows that he had no affect on you. whats interesting, is that you’re 23 y.o. and you’re the one who acted like the adult. it looks to me like you do have “your shit together.” 🙂 a lot better than that guy, thats for sure.

    yes, the same has happened to me very often. the times i got angry, only hurt me & kept me upset fo the rest of the day(s). other times, to my surprise, i’ve reacted quite calmly and said one sentence and left it at that. even the people around me were shocked because thats not my normal behavior. and afterwards all i can think of is, “i hope someone learned something from this interaction.” and if they didn’t, well, at least they’ll be wondering “why the f**k didn’t she react?” but hey, at least they’re thinking about it 😉

    great blog!

  10. 10 Jennifer
    January 14, 2010 at 7:37 am


    This is a late reply but I was just scanning through your blog history to get an idea of what you guys are on about. I felt compelled to respond to this one. I don’t think you acted in a cowardly manner at all. Quite the opposite. Your response showed strength and maturity. You need to pick your battles or risk insanity. I don’t think that someone who can make such silly yet hurtful comments was worth any more of your time.

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