07
Jul
08

Jessica’s Body Drama Part 1

                                                  

“You’re so tall, thin and pretty”, “So pretty and thin”.  Ok….these might not sound like terrible things to hear growing up and you’re welcome to hate on me right now.  But there’s often more going on behind the scenes than you may think.

That was my identity. In my head it was my ‘job’ to be perfect. Eldest child, type A perfectionist…all the regular clichés. I was a naturally lean child. I could eat for England without thinking about it. Then puberty started to hit. I started to get hips, a butt…the Nigerian part of my heritage started kicking and screaming to get out. Not going to happen I decided. So I started to restrict my food.

Which led to secret bingeing, which led to laxatives, which turned into me having my “pretty little face” in a toilet bowl.  For about 10 years.  The only times I wasn’t single-handedly trying to destroy my digestive tract and teeth with bucket-loads of stomach acid, I was working on my nasal passages instead. I was still locked in the bathroom, but now powdering my nose was my tool to determined self-starvation.

 

Somewhere early in this happy tale I decided to become a fashion model.  Now trying to be ‘perfect’ wasn’t just my imaginary job, it was how I paid the bills.  No greater way to hide food and drug addictions right? Not only can you hide in plain sight, your behavior is validated.  Thin at all costs.  Except it’s a bill that you never get done paying.

The day I decided I could no longer live this way was the hardest of my life so far.  It was also the day that made becoming happy a possibility.  It took time. It was NOT an overnight process. But I have NEVER accomplished anything more worthwhile.

Check back in for Part Two and the steps I took on my journey to true recovery and health.

Are any of you struggling with your own Body Drama or know someone who is?

    

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2 Responses to “Jessica’s Body Drama Part 1”


  1. July 8, 2008 at 1:22 am

    Oh How I envy you lol….

    I got the Jewish heritage that kicks in way more than the emotional binges lol..From what I’ve read prior posts it looks like you came a long way…Kudos to you and keep it up. Your inspiration is truly admired….

    You can imagine the pressure my parents put on me being an only daughter with “five” brothers. Somehow my mom confused me for a doll or robot she can control how to look or what to eat.
    It is easier said then done of course. I yo yo like a maniac through the years. I have never done drugs or had a drink but it is scary how I abuse diet pills and laxatives. Enough rambling I’m trying to say thanks for blogging I find it very useful…

    You are a very talented writer I love your humor…

    Rebecca

  2. 2 vividaudio
    July 8, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    When it comes to my own body drama…dear God, lets save that for another time when we have days and days at our disposal haha! But I completely sympathize with your past situation and its inspiring to see you overcame it.

    Over on Myspace you said you encouraged questions, and I’m curious…I know that you’re from England and you just said that you have Nigerian blood…do you have heritage in any other countries? I think you have a beautiful, unique appearance. 🙂


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