Jessica’s Gone… Again
Here I am sitting alone on the weekend… Wondering why I’m in love with an international model that’s always getting on planes and saying goodbye. Lately it seems like she’s saying goodbye more than hello…. aaannnddd then I start to giggle because I repeat the sentence “I’m in love with an international model,” Hahahahahaha!
Oohhhh Man, I wanted to write a workout blog tonight but I can’t seem to focus on anything other than the lovely Ms. Clark… Cliché, I know.
Sooo, here’s what I’m going to blog about- How to deal with separation from a loved one. Bare with me now… I’m learning the art of mastering the skill as we speak, I’m by no means a professional, however if I stick with Ms Clark (which I plan on doing… Don’t get any funny ideas ) I better get dam good at this. The woman is out of the country almost two weeks every month.
LACEY’S 8 TIPS TO RELATIONSHIP SEPARATION (when her gut reaction is to fall apart)
1. HAVE YOUR OWN THING
For me my Job is the thing that saves me. I found something I really love doing, fitness – www.laceystonefitness.com . This makes it easier when Jessica goes away because I don’t feel like my life is completely put on hold while she’s living hers.
Many of my past relationships failed because I put so much pressure on the other person. When I look back on past relationships it’s clear that a lot of the time I lived vicariously through my girlfriend rather than having my own “Thing.” I find that having my own “Thing” gives me confidence and is my angel when Jessica’s away… AND I’m 100% certain if I didn’t have my own thing this relationship would not work long term.
2. SCHEDULE, schedule, schedule!
When Jessica goes away I make sure my schedule is jam packed with activities that keep my mind going. I make business meetings at night when I would normally be meeting up with Jessica. I call friends that I’ve been MIA with and reconnect… I run errands, I call my mom a lot, and I pick up that book that’s starting to collect dust. Stay busy!
When I really start to miss her I figure out some sort of surprise. Theatre tickets, rose petal messages, gifts waiting in her hotel room, silly stuff… Last Halloween I carved her a pumpkin that said, “I love you.” I enjoy creating moments that are meaningful… Memories. In my opinion romantic ideas don’t have to be expensive but they do have to be creative.
I tend to talk to my clients, friends, and people about romantic things that happened to them. I think about what I would like someone to do for me and then I decide if that’s something Jessica would like. Believe it or not she doesn’t like expensive gifts, she likes gifts that are meaningful. Soooo, I listen to her all the time… Those are the best gifts, the gifts I come up with when she mentions something silly in passing; She loves sliced oranges, bubbles, pillows, doggies, the color purple…
4. KEEP IT TOGETHER
When Jessica leaves for 15days it SUCKS… I gotta be honest. At the same time, she doesn’t want to be gone that long either. It stinks for her too. So I need to be strong for both of us. If I’m not strong it makes it hard for her to do her job. If I complain about her leaving all the time then she feels bad every time she gets a big job… Feeling bad creates resentment and resentment creates something I don’t want to deal with. Resentment leads to a lot of pain/frustrations/reasons for break-ups… NOT a good place. So I gotta keep it together… If her leaving hurts a lot I need to call mom, talk to friends, pay a therapist, but I don’t think it’s smart to put pressure on her because she already feels the pressure. She doesn’t want to be away, it’s killing her too. Of course, I can’t hide stuff… then I build resentment… Communication is key. If it starts to bother me to much that she’s away all the time I need to tell her. HOWEVER I think it’s important that I do try to work it out myself first. I think it’s vital to keep it together not only for me, but also for us.
5. LIVE NOW
I consciously train my brain to not run wild… I train it to stay out of catastrophe mode. I find this to be the most difficult AND the most effective way to handle separation.
What do I mean?? Here’s an example… I’m walking down the street and my mind starts to run away from me (YOU know that little voice in your head) “Jessica’s gone, this is impossible, how am I going to handle this… This week is going to stink… I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and now I’m going alone, I hate this… what am I going to do tonight, crap if only Jessica were here… AND on AND on AND on.”
The BS that comes out of my head is endless and can be fairly destructive if I listen. When Jessica goes away I try to be extremely aware of my thoughts and if a SUPER Negative thought won’t leave me I break it down so that I can find the positive twist on it. Believe it or not there are two sides to every thought. Your outlook on your thoughts is based on how you choose to react to them. The only real power we have as human beings is to decide how we’re going to handle situations, that is what differentiates us from other all species… We have the choice to love, to hate, to laugh (no other species can laugh), to cry.
I’m getting a bit off track, Sorry. It’s just that I find #5 to be huge and never underestimated. I get asked a lot why I’m so positive… Honestly, I’ve been very negative in my life and it’s not a fun way to live. Every Single Day I make a conscious choice to be the best version of myself, to be as positive in life as possible… I believe if everyone could find a way to be positive the world would be such a better place. It’s easy to be negative about things… But being strong enough to find the positive in everything makes you a real survivor. If you can find a way to smile through the pain you can handle anything. Live now!
6. ICHAT, PHONE, TEXT
Jessica and I have ICHAT DATES several times over the course of her many travels. We get to see each other and chat as if she’s just in the other room We are known to leave Ichat on for hours.
PHONE – I call her and leave her silly messages just to hear her voicemail. GOD we are kind of ridiculous, eh?
TEXT – Annnddd the text message, I love to text her throughout the day telling her what I’m up to. I’m a bit of a texting BANDIT! Often times we are in different time zones so if I say… “On my way to Equinox to BRING IT in TheBigGAME!!!,” she can know exactly what street I’m on and feel exactly what I’m feeling… It’s nice.
7. FOCUS ON WHAT YOU HAVE
Trust me, it could always be worse. I try to focus on what I have. When I start to focus on what I don’t have it ALWAYS makes me angry guaranteed.
EXAMPLES - When I get sad that Jessica’s away…
1. I could focus on how terrible I feel or I could focus on the fact that I have someone to miss.
2. I could be upset that her job takes her away from me sooo much or I could focus on the fact that when she’s in New York her job gives her the freedom to see me whenever she wants.
This tactic is not dissimilar to #5, but sometimes it helps to make a list to make you feel better…Write out your thoughts and fight the fear and anger on paper. YOU can apply these tips to Work, Fitness, Family, whatever. I find in Fitness often times people get caught up in what they don’t have instead of focusing on what they do have… if they don’t feel good immediately than something must be wrong? WRONG! Strength, growth, wisdom, weight-loss, love… They all take time, it takes courage to build a solid foundation in the prominent areas of your life. I find that when I focus on the journey rather than the destination I am much Happier and more centered.
8. GET ON A PLANE
Worst-case scenario… I can’t take it anymore! I fork over the doe, hop on a plane and say, “Heeyyyy Jessica, I’m comin to get YOU!”
How do you handle being separated from a loved one… It hurts right?!