Comments on: Abusing food

By: jessica clark

jessica clark — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:07:02 +0000

Hi Jenny

Firstly let me apologize for not having responded to your post sooner

Secondly, please let me applaud you for your strength, your continued determination, perseverance and your integrity in working to maintain your body healthfully to be a true and honest source of inspiration to your clients. Recovering from ED’s in such a body conscious environment as a gym can not be easy. You have my respect, as do you all who are reading this post, or who have commented so powerfully.

Thank you all for sharing with me and please let’s all continue on our paths for the strength of our bodies, minds and souls.

By: Jenny Joseph

Jenny Joseph — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:26:18 +0000

Jessica, Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience/struggle with ED. It is so helpful to hear other people’s stories because I think that so many people are out there silently battling eating disorders and they think they are the only ones that are weak enough to be controlled by food. All of these people need to know that it is not about weakness or even about food at all. There always lies a deeper issue that just manifests itself in you restricting or binging or purging or overeating.
When I moved from Alabama to NYC for my first year of college I became anorexic and it controlled my life for at least 2 years causing me to have to move back home to get treatment. Once I “recovered” from anorexia it quickly led me to bulimia…and here I am 4 years later still fighting the whole it and back in NYC again. It is tough and sometimes scary to get healthy again but is it SO WORTH IT!
As a trainer there is a lot of pressure to be the thinnest girl in the gym so others want to be trained by you. A lot of clients look up to us and want to do whatever we are doing to look the way we are…would I ever want a client to have to starve themself to be thin? Heck no! So why would I do it to myself? Strength is more important than thin and authenticity is more important than appearances.

P.S. Life Without ED is one of my favorite books especially for someone with or who know someone with an e.d.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:52:28 +0000

Jess, Thank you so very much for the info. I will research OA meetings and follow up.

I OWE YOU ONE!

(Sasha, very well said I could not have said it better. Nothing like ones personal experiences.)

By: jessica clark

jessica clark — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:32:07 +0000

Thank you for all your honest and open responses. To answer some of your questions;

Eneb: Honestly I suffered very much in secret and did everything in my power to ensure that my family did not know. My mother always seemed to see food as an expression of love and nurturing and it caused/was symptomatic of a codependent and then estranged relationship. I left home at 16, I didn’t go home for Christmas the years that I was dangerously thin because I knew that she would not be able to ignore the issues and I wasn’t ready to be honest. We are now at the point where I’m more honest but it took me going into recovery for that to happen. I understand that it is difficult to approach a family member about such things, and it’s difficult to advise because each situation is personal to those in it. I will say that working on building trust and open communication is very significant, and letting them know that if they ever need to talk that you are there. Also I think that it is worth talking to a family therapist, even if it is without the person you are worried about, or their mother. I say this because recovery at 15 involves the whole family and it may be very helpful for you to talk out the dynamics of the situation with a professional trained in this. I wish you luck and commend you for wanting to help.

Gravity: It sounds as though you too have come a long way at a young age too. I am so proud of you that you have been working to come to terms with your own unique body. I am also only in my twenties, but my struggles started when I was pre-teen which is why I may sound much older when I talk about this subject. “I will never be the thinnest of my friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t treat my body with love and respect”. Hearing that makes me smile and want to cry at the same time. It’s the greatest gift that you will ever give to yourself. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Coffeebuzz: Congratulations, when I read what you wrote I hear the journey and amazing progress of open and honest recovery. Please be so very proud of yourself.

Rebecca: Thank you for being honest with us and yourself here. That is the very first step in recovering from any abusive addiction. Out-Patient rehab is a program for recovery from an addiction. There are programs that specialize in food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling etc. I was in a program for my ED. You are admitted and monitored by medical professionals and my program involved part education on food and how different types of it affect our body and brain physiologically, and part group therapy. I was given a food plan, and as resistant as I was to eating regularly, what I learnt there truly started me on the life that I now try to live every day. The difference between Out and In-patient is simply that with Out, you go home at night, and are sometimes able to choose whether you attend a day or an evening program so that you can continue working as well. This can be helpful, as you may not feel as cut off from your life, and can also make it more difficult as you are not as protected from yourself as you would be in In-Patient.

“How can I stop?” All I can say to that is that everybody I know that has to a greater or lesser extent recovered from their disorders used at least one of these three tools and often a combination of two or all three; specialized therapy, 12-step meetings and sponsorship, and/or a rehab program, whether In or Out-Patient. My Out-Patient program actually made it a condition of entry that I commit to going to the 12-step meetings as well, because they believed the additional support to be invaluable. If I was to make a suggestion it would be to try a meeting (just google OA meetings and your city of residence). They are a tremendous place to start and will be able to provide you with a lot of support and information about good professionals working in this area in your part of the world. I know it can be so terrifying to start the process, but with me it got to the point that the only thing more terrifying was either living in the food abuse for the rest of my life or worse….not living the rest of my life. If it was another person treating you like this it would be unacceptable. You don’t deserve to be treated like this by yourself either.

Good luck to you, I am truly thinking of you all today. Thank you for sharing your stories and thank you for your courage.

By: Sasha

Sasha — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:55:54 +0000

To anon – Jessica advised readers to seek out professional help if they have a problem with eating – how is that “dolling out medical advice”? Surely advising people to get the appropriate help is about as responsible as it gets when it comes to this kind of topic?
Congratulations, Jessica, on your honesty and on your mature approach to food and fitness and life in general.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 01:25:47 +0000

I am addicted to diet pills and laxatives in secret. Sometimes I am so scared that I will drop dead. How can I stop?

Can you please define – Out -Patient rehab?

By: Gravity

Gravity — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:57:19 +0000

How old are you, Jessica, if you don’t mind me asking? You look like a fairly young person (late 20’s early 30’s) on your pictures; but your life experiences are those of a much older person. I’m 23 years old and I’ve struggled with my self-image for the past five years, having been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. In all my struggles I have learned that I will never be the thinnest of my friends anymore, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t treat my body with love and respect.

By: jessica clark

jessica clark — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 19:21:40 +0000

I agree that I have no place “doling out medical advice”.

I take that very seriously and as somebody whose certification as a Nutritional Consultant is currently pending, I have done the relevant research as to what can and can not ethically be said as a lay person.

I do not believe that I have given medical advice in anyway. I do not offer a diagnosis, I don’t suggest ways to ‘cure’, ‘treat’, ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ anything. There is an established precedent of sharing personal experience on a whole range of issues, not least the subject of eating disorders. An example of that is “My name is Caroline” by Caroline Adams Miller, this is one of the first published books about surviving bulimia, first published in 1988, and now translated into languages around the world, with many others like it now available. Another amazing book is “Life without Ed” (Ed as an acronym for eating disorder) written by Jenni Schaefer a singer/songwriter. Caroline Adams Miller also had no medical degree, license or certification, and still doesn’t, although she did then go on to become a certified coach, as she discovered her passion in the process of communicating her experience to help others.

It is not something I am hiding behind or “disguising” as personal experience, it IS personal experience.

I do not profess to have a license or a relevant certification and the only suggestion I make to anyone reading is that I believe that there is appropriate professional help and support out there and I urge anyone who feels that they may be unhappy or endangering themselves to seek out that help.

By: anon

anon — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 19:04:13 +0000

Id be careful dolling out medical advice without license or credential. Even disguising it as personal experience, even though some may find it helpful you are dancing a dangerous line.

By: coffeebuzz

coffeebuzz — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 18:39:36 +0000

Thanks Jessica… I’m currently 22 and in my 9th year of what I’d consider disordered eating. I’ve been 20 lbs underweight, I’ve binged and purged those 20 lbs back on, along with an additional 10. I’ve tortured myself in the gym. I’ve stayed up till 3:30 planning my meals and workouts for the entire month, only to disband them 12 hours later for the sake of stuffing away tears in my chocolate cake.
It’s not easy. I’m doing a hell of a lot better these days- normal weight, much more normal relationship with food and myself, no more anxiety if I happen to have an “off” day. This only came when I focused on my health- looked at my body as an instrument that needed to be used and used properly. I healed a lot of physical issues through a personal trainer, and with this came a whole new holistic way of thinking- thinking about making my body better physically made me want to eat in ways that were more in line with that, which made me look at myself differently– no more “you’re disgusting and fat,” but instead, “look at how much this body can do! No one’s perfect, but everyone’s a work in progress.”
It’s not easy. When things get stressful, I still find myself fork-deep in chocolate cake and sometimes crying a little afterwards. And then freaking out about my horrible feelings coming back. But ya know, that used to be the norm. That’s now the exception to the rule.
It won’t happen overnight. And when it does “happen,” it most likely won’t be permanent. Just like there’s no “cured” alcoholic, those of us with food issues will probably always have a slight anxiety with these issues.
Sorry for the SUPER long post… it’s obviously something I have many strong feelings about.

Congrats, though, Jess. It takes a LOT of hard work, effort, passion, and patience. and love.